Stages of Birthmother Grief
There is no “correct” way to grieve or one sudden, shining moment when you are finished grieving. But the following thoughts and feelings are experienced by many birthfathers at some point in the adoption process.
| Stage | Description | Questions to consider | Birthmother Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| Impact | This is commonly referred to as the "shock" or "denial" phase. Women planning adoptions seem to experience this phase when they initially discover they are pregnant, and then again when they give birth. The birth of a baby is a physically and emotionally exhausting event. Every woman experiences a rush of hormones and feelings. Women planning adoptions are often surprised at the intensity of the bond with their baby and the mix of feelings they experience (joy, pride, sadness, and fear) after birth. |
How do I feel about my adoption plan now that my baby is here? Am I surrounding myself with people who support me no matter what I choose to do? What am I doing to take care of myself during this critical time? Are my original reasons for choosing adoption still intact? |
"Giving birth to my baby was the greatest joy of my life. I never expected to bond with him and love him so completely. Nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of my feelings following his birth. " |
| Chaos | This phase refers to the emotional reactions immediately following a placement. Entrusting a child to the care of another family is an amazing task. Women are often surprised at the physical and emotional stress they feel when they are initially separated from their baby. They often feel very worried about the well-being of the baby, and wonder if the adoption plan was indeed the right choice. These feelings can also accompany feelings of pride and happiness for the new life they created and the new family that has been formed. |
What can I do to symbolize the magnitude and depth of my decision? Who do I want to include in this experience? Do I want to participate in an entrustment ceremony with the adoptive family? What do I need from others when I am emotional and potentially overwhelmed? What plans do I have in place to help manage the variety of feelings I may have over the next few days and weeks? |
"Placing my baby in the arms of the adoptive parents solidified my adoption decision. I knew in my heart and in my mind that it was the best choice. I questioned my choice initially because I was so sad. I did not expect a decision I felt was right to be so painful. Making very specific plans following the birth for my care and recovery was very important." |
| Adaptation | This phase refers to the first few weeks or months following a placement. Many women hope that life can return to 'normal,' though most find they are profoundly impacted by such an experience. Life following pregnancy, childbirth, and adoption planning can feel overwhelming and exciting. Many women find they view their life, their relationships, and their future differently. They are often surprised by their newfound confidence and strength. |
What are my immediate goals following the birth? How can I prioritize the most important tasks to achieve? How can I ask for space from others if needed? What kind of relationship do I want to continue developing with the adoptive family? |
"I concentrated for so long on my physical health, the health of the baby, and my adoption plan that I forgot about me. After my baby was born, I had to change my focus. I needed to go back to work and look at the direction my life was headed. I made a commitment to stay involved in the life of my child. I had to ask myself what I wanted my child to know about me." |
| Balance | As you feel more comfortable with the adoptive parents, and as you develop your relationship with them, your role will become more clear to you. You will regain some balance in your life. Your life, work, and educational priorities are hopefully falling into place. Adoptive families and birthmothers often find they have a very strong connection, and this connection only strengthens with time. |
What does it mean to be a birthmother? Is my life going in the direction that I want it to? What does this adoption decision mean to me personally? Am I following through on things I said I would do? What do I want my child to know about me? Is my relationship with the adoptive family developing in a positive way? |
"The adoptive parents are becoming like family to me. I was touched that they called me first when my daughter learned to crawl and took her first steps. I am now back in school and working on the things I need to do. I want my daughter to feel proud of me." |
| Transformation | This phase is where everyone who grieves hopes to end up, eventually. Important aspects include developing your self potential; finding some kind of spirituality or meaning in the adoption experience; developing awareness of how your feelings impact your relationships with your child and the adoptive family; coming to peace with yourself and your decision to place your child for adoption; and lastly, but most importantly, being mindful and appreciative of your child's presence in your life. |
What have I learned from this experience? What do I value about this experience? How can I continue to be a loving force in the life of my child? How can I share this experience with others, so they can learn from my story? Is it possible for me to help others in a similar situation? |
"I am so proud of the relationship the adoptive family and I have created together. The adoptive parents have become close and trusted friends. Seeing my child thrive in their care has brought me the reassurance I needed to feel at peace with my adoption. And through this relationship my child will always know how much I love and care about him. My adoption experience has helped my see how strong I really am; I want to help other birthmoms tap into their strength by becoming a mentor at the agency." |
The premier northwest adoption agency completing the most domestic, infant adoptions in Oregon and Washington.
5200 SW Macadam Avenue,
Suite 250
Portland, Oregon 97239
315 West 10th Ave.
Eugene, OR 97401
200 West Mercer Street,
Suite E-508
Seattle, WA 98119
| Oregon: | ||
|---|---|---|
| Portland, OR: | Phone: (503) 226-4870 | Fax: (503) 226-4891 |
| Eugene, OR: | Phone: (541) 343-4825 | Fax: (541) 431-1241 |
| Medford, OR: | Phone: (541) 608-6134 | Fax: (541) 282-8564 |
| Bend, OR: | Phone: (541) 388-2535 | |
| Salem, OR: | Phone: (503) 540-5832 | |
| Washington: | ||
| Seattle, WA: | Phone: (206) 782-0442 | Fax: (206) 782-0578 |
| Vancouver, WA: | Phone: (360) 254-7236 | |
| Olympia, WA: | Phone: (360) 352-3063 | |
