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Winter 2008 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc.
Vol. 17, No. 2

Articles:

• Dialogue With David
• Kids’ Corner
• OA&FS Connects With Community
• Star Supporters Shine!
• Great OA&FS Gatherings!

View the entire Winter 2008 newsletter (PDF)

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Dialogue With David

Adopted in 1985, David is one of the oldest children of OA&FS.

Although currently on hiatus off-line, David works as a computer programmer. He is a passionate and talented photographer, as can be seen in his pictures of the Portland Holiday Party on page 7. David has a dry wit, an adventurous spirit, and love of the outdoors. This interview was conducted on January 3, 2008.

How old are you?

22

What is your parents’ relationship like with your birthparents?

My birthparents and adoptive parents have gotten along quite well. I’ve seen that it is very important to all of them to maintain a relationship with each other. I think it’s been a lot of work for everybody. Parenting seems intense and everyone has strong opinions about it. I imagine issues would come up, that’s my assumption.

Describe the kind of relationship you have with your birthparents?

I am very close to my birthmother, Liane. We’ve been close my entire life. She lives in Portland and we do lots of outdoor activities together. My birthfather lives in Eugene and I see him less frequently. I think he was more involved when I was younger.

Has knowing your birthparents helped you to know yourself better?

Probably. This raises questions about nature versus nurture. I think nurture is more a factor than nature when it comes to personality. I think I see more of my adoptive parents in me than my birthparents. I’ve not had any specific epiphanies about myself through talking with my birthparents.

What have your parents done that has helped you maintain and build a relationship with your birthparents?

We have a birthday tradition. On my birthday all of the parents come together in one place. From my first birthday to my fifteenth all four of my parents were present. It’s now dropping off since I moved from Eugene to Portland. Now I think it’s kind of exhausting to be the center of that much attention.

What is special about your open adoption?

That’s like asking what was special about having parents. There is nothing special about it. I can’t imagine not knowing my birthparents or not knowing I was adopted. That would be terrible.

What is the most common question people ask you about adoption?

People are often surprised and say to me, “You know your birthparents!?”

If you could, would you change anything about your open adoption?

Maybe it would have been better if I had more encouragement to have a relationship with my birthfather. However, it’s possible my lack of closeness with him was less a function of adoption and more a function of our particular relationship.

Is there anything about your open adoption that has been confusing?

I don’t think so. Everything was always open. I would have been confused if I was told on my fifth birthday that I was adopted. I’ve never felt confused or conflicted about the role of everyone involved.

What advice would you give to other children of open adoption?

Don’t think your birthparents don’t love you.

What advice would you give to adoptive parents?

Encourage your child to build and maintain a relationship with their birthparents on their own. It’s important a child can share in maintaining the relationship so it won’t disintegrate over time. The relationship should not be one sided and should not be the sole responsibility of the birthparents.

What advice would you give to prospective adoptive parents?

Think about the child and imagine what it would be like for them to grow up. Imagine them finding out they were adopted well into their childhood. Imagine them not having any chance of knowing who they are. Closed adoption is terrible. Not being able to learn about your hereditary background is practically unethical.

What advice would you give to birthparents?

At some point you should really explain your side of the story to the child. Explain why you chose not to raise them. Without this knowledge the child will feel uncertain, insecure and perhaps even mistrust the birthparents. I wondered but didn’t ask for a long time. I only heard my full story a few years ago. It felt really good to hear the entire story.