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Summer 2007 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc.
Vol. 17, No. 1

Articles:

• Out of Touch, Part 2
• Sharing the News
• Life Challenges Can Create Distance
• Livegivers: Insights
• Great OA&FS Gatherings!

View the entire Summer 2007 newsletter (PDF)

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Lifegivers: Insights

By: Amy DeGennaro, OA&FS Counselor/Mediator

Thanks to an incredible group of birthmothers, this years Lifegivers Retreat was a wonderful day of relaxation, creativity and pampering. With good food, a comfortable location, meaningful conversation, and craft projects, what could be better? Planning the Lifegivers Retreat and watching it all come together is something I look forward to every year. Most of all, I enjoy meeting and spending time with these amazing women who open up their hearts and lives to us on that day. To bear witness to their stories and listen to them recall their most intimate experiences is humbling. Hearing birthmothers speak of the pride and love they have for their children, and the relationships they enjoy with them, ignites my commitment to open adoption.

Open adoption relationships, like relationships in general, require work and fine tuning from time to time. There are certainly birthparents who, as they are reading this, are struggling with challenges in their own open adoption relationships. I also know many birthparents who, while acknowledging their ongoing grief, consider themselves integral members of the family they have created for their child. It is a relationship, in their words, characterized by mutual respect and the overwhelming love they have for the child.

It has been my experience that the women present at the Lifegivers retreats feel, for the most part, positively about their open adoption and are satisfied with the nature of the relationship. Although it is impossible to generalize every birthparents’ experience, there were three resounding themes that came out of this year’s Lifegivers Retreat. These themes seem to capture the core reasons birthmothers feel compelled to stay in touch.

I want my child to know
When asked why maintaining an open adoption relationship is important the resounding answer was that their children would simply “know.” Know why their hair is curly, why their eyes are blue, why their skin is a different color and, at some point, understand how they came to be with their adoptive family. The answers to these questions are fundamental to helping children create a healthy sense of self. Birthparents choose open adoption not for themselves but for the sake of their child and they make this difficult decision out of the incredible love they feel for their child. Simply put by one birthmother when asked why maintaining an open adoption was important to her: “because I love [my daughter] and want her to know she is completely loved!”

I feel welcomed
Many birthparents have successful open adoption relationships because they feel honored and welcomed by the adoptive family. Invitations to special family gatherings, holiday get-togethers, school open houses, and birthday parties are great ways to let birthparents know that they are important and valued members of the family.

I am present
Being present in the child’s life, both physically and emotionally, is critical to maintaining openness. One birthmother stated that by the adoptive family simply being open to her and keeping the child’s adoption story alive by retelling bits and pieces from time to time makes her feel honored. Simply being open to openness validates the child and the birthparent experience.

Over the years, I have been continually amazed by our open adoption community and the strength of everyone involved. When birthparents and adoptive parents start the open adoption process they have no idea what the future holds for them, but are willing to put aside their fears and anxieties for the sake of the child. They recognize the incredible benefits of openness and, despite the unknown, make a loving commitment to each other and to nurturing their open adoption relationship.

Amy DeGennaro has been a Counselor/Mediator with Open Adoption & Family Services for four years. She appreciates the education and perspective her clients have given her over the years. They have all been an inspiration.