OpenPage Newsletter, Online edition: Winter 2005

Winter 2005 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 14, No. 1

Articles:

The Transformative Power of Grief
Crystle’s Story
Two Moms? Cool!
Kids’ Corner: Art by Yvonne Kengla
Holiday Parties 2004-2005
Open Adoption, Seven Years Later
Agency Happenings

TheTransformative Power of Grief

By Katie R. Stallman, LICSW, Seattle Counselor/Mediator

“Are you familiar with the concept of grief and how it impacts birth and adoptive families? Are you prepared to help both parties manage the intense feelings, behaviors and issues that may arise?”

“Yes. And yes.”

But of course that’s what I told the executive director, program manager and counselor/mediators as I interviewed for a position with this agency. Still young in my profession and eager to demonstrate the breadth of my knowledge, I told tales of woe from my previous job in the foster care system.

In my former life, I removed screaming children from their homes, often with nothing more than a trash bag of their clothing. I supervised final visits between birthparents and children when the court ruled that termination of parental rights was in the child’s best interest.

I was thrilled to learn that in open adoption birth and adoptive parents work together to meet the needs of the child, that birth and adoptive families actually choose this process, and that they genuinely want a relationship with one another. Everyone agrees to set aside some of his or her needs for the good of the child.

Sounds ideal, right? Easy even?

“Sure, grief will be an issue,” I thought, “but not like the other kinds of grief I’ve seen.” But as I’ve discovered in my work at OA&FS, this kind of grief is far more complicated.

Open adoption requires an understanding of the grief process and its impact on all parties at different stages in the relationship. It’s complex and ever-changing, and I haven’t figured it all out. But I hope to express the power of the grieving process, as I’ve observed it through the years, to transform and bring deeper meaning and purpose.

That Sneaky Grief

After my eye-opening foster care experience, open adoption seemed the answer to my social work dreams. Many birth and adoptive families tell me the same thing.

“I could not place my child for adoption if it wasn’t open,” one birthparent stated.

“There is no way I could adopt if I didn’t know where my child came from,” said an adoptive parent.

No doubt, open adoption is an inherently healthy process. But it requires everyone in the process to be highly self-aware, insightful and empathetic. As life teaches us, there is often more going on below the surface than we realize. Remnants of our childhoods and our own psychologies influence and guide our thoughts, behaviors and interactions with other people.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered (and continue to discover) the unique, complicated and specific nature of grief as it challenges individuals in open adoption relationships. Clients are sometimes quite surprised at how grief rears its head.

I hear from both parties, “Wow! I just love the birth (or adoptive) family. We were meant to find each other. This happened for a reason.” Or, “We didn’t know it would be this hard. I didn’t expect to feel this way. I don’t even really know this person.”

But I most often hear more subtle comments like, “Things are fine, but it bothers me that ... (fill in the blank).”

It’s often the case that these “little” things, these issues that seem bothersome but not worth discussing, are themes of grief disguised as something else.

A few examples:

An adoptive mom develops a genuine and close relationship with the birthmother during her pregnancy. But after the birth, she doesn’t want anyone else to hold the baby and seems less warm and open toward the birthmother.

A birthmother becomes tearful when her child calls the adoptive mother “mommy” for the first time.

An open adoption family struggles to plan a birthday party. The adoptive and birth families are annoyed that including everyone means spending so much time juggling schedules.

An adoptive dad has a comfortable relationship with the birthmother but is filled with anxiety at the thought of meeting the birthfather.

The adoptive and birth families have very different styles. One is formal and polite, the other casual and somewhat irreverent. Each family continually hints that the other should be more like them.

In each of these cases, the emotions triggered – jealousy, possessiveness, feeling left out or unneeded or judgmental, insecurity or annoyance – are all related to root issues of grief and loss.

Many open adoption participants think they’ve left grief behind after the first few post-placement months. But let’s face it: Grief is insidious and stubborn. During the past few years I have seen many open adoption relationships develop, struggle and reemerge from their grief stronger than before. I have also witnessed relationships in which one or both parties get stuck.

ometimes the communication suffers; needs are not clarified; expectations are unrealistic or not shared; resentment builds. Very often, these relationship trials can be traced back to grief. We all want to avoid the uncomfortable feelings associated with grief. But these feelings are a clue. If heeded, the clues can lead to a more enriching experience.

Rising From Grief’s Ashes

But what is grief?

Joanne T. Jozefowski, author of The Phoenix Phenomenon: Rising from the Ashes of Grief, says, “Grief is a process that is activated when loss occurs. It is very complex and multidimensional. It is how the person thinks, eats, sleeps, and makes it through the day. Grief can temporarily disrupt or permanently alter your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behavior -- even the anatomy and physiology of the body. When stunned by grief, any and all normal human functions are subject to change.”

When asked why people grieve, the author gives a short answer: “because we love.”

We should all expect some bumps in the road, right? Thankfully, the bumps do not have to remain permanent barriers. Grief is not a permanent state of being; it is a process.

Jozefowski outlines a new model for viewing the grieving process. It identifies five stages: impact, chaos, adaptation, equilibrium and transformation.

The great value of this model is that it allows for growth and change, and it truly captures the complexity of grief as experienced by open adoption participants. The terminology is self-explanatory, and I hesitate to interpret, as each individual’s grieving process is unique. But here are a few thoughts about each stage. See how your own experience fits.

Impact and Chaos

Discovering an unexpected pregnancy or infertility can incite a roller coaster of emotions. There is often shock, maybe some denial, followed by a period of frenzied research in hopes of identifying options and alternatives. Once a course is settled on, people are relieved and think, “Wow, the hard part must be over.” But by the time of placement, people are surprised all over again by the feelings caused by a child’s birth. They may feel overwhelmed with love, fear of the future, and the reality that this child they’ve been talking about at length is actually here. Nobody can deny the intensity of the birth, placement and entrustment ceremony. People often tell me it’s the most surreal experience of their lives.

Adaptation

After the intense feelings of the birth and placement, the issues inherent in the next phase can be more subtle and harder to identify. This phase includes many questions and doubts. Two cultures are coming together, and they have a lot to learn about each other. Both parties are working to develop healthy patterns for visits, phone contact and get-togethers. What seemed relatively easy in mediation suddenly feels more complicated with a new baby in the picture. Each is prone to question the motives of the other or to make judgments about parenting styles. It is helpful to discuss how each family plans for events, celebrates holidays, exchanges gifts and whether they prefer phone calls or e-mail. The difficult emotions that arise during this phase may seem totally unrelated to “grief” and more about the nuances of developing a new relationship. But remember, grief can be sneaky.

Equilibrium and Transformation

The final two phases are, hopefully, where we spend most of our time. Equilibrium refers to the natural rhythm that develops in the relationship. Both parties feel trust, can clarify their needs, understand the needs of the other, and communicate easily. Transformation refers to the personal growth, insight and self-understanding that allow open adoption participants to help others through similar experiences. It can also result in a profound personal philosophy. Transformed folks say things like, “This open adoption has had a significant impact on my life and my capacity to create genuine relationships.” They can explore the useful things they’ve learned during the process.

Understanding the transformative model of grief provides a new way to view your own and others’ feelings and behavior. It can help you empathize, refrain from judgment, and look for new ways to feel connected when the old ways aren’t working. Keep in mind that birth and adoptive families are likely to move in and out of these stages throughout their adoption experiences, returning to the adaptation stage, for example, several times during the child’s life.

Looking for Grief’s Lessons

My awareness of grief’s complexity has grown since I began working at OA&FS. Open adoption is an inherently healthy but emotionally challenging process. Grief touches the process in subtle, unexpected ways. I still don’t have magic solutions.

But when you face crossroads or snags in your open adoption, I suggest slowing down and asking yourself the following questions:

What specific situations, comments or actions in your open adoption trigger strong feelings?
What clues do these feelings give you about yourself and how the other party might be feeling?
Are your reactions, decisions or requests based on the best interest of the child, or are they more about your own grief-related feelings?

These questions can be useful in discovering and managing grief. Maybe grief has little to do with your situation. But it never hurts to look deeper.

We all have choices. We can choose to ignore grief and the bumps it inevitably causes in our relationships, responding with anger, annoyance or judgment. Or we can acknowledge grief and look for the lessons it teaches.

By assessing issues through the lens of grief we can develop a deeper understanding of our open adoption partners and the common purpose we share: loving and nurturing a child.

OA&FS staff members often say, “If the adults do the difficult work, the child won’t have to.” Identifying and working through grief is obviously difficult, but it comes with a huge reward. Children of open adoption, when both families support and affirm one another, grow up happy, whole and confident. This is truly an amazing thing!

I wish you strength and perseverance as you continue your commitment to open adoption.

Crystle’s Story

As told to Lisa Meadows Garfield and excerpted from her book For Love of a Child: Stories of Adoption.

I was 14 when I found out I was pregnant.

My boyfriend was 27 and in and out of jail, so he wasn’t very involved with the whole thing.

As soon as the at-home pregnancy test confirmed my suspicions, I called my doctor. Strangely, I wasn’t scared or worried. Nothing was real. I was living in a fog, and I could only concentrate on getting through one day at a time.

The doctor did a sonogram at my first appointment. She listened, perplexed, and asked, “Do twins run in your family? I hear two heartbeats.”

I was speechless. And suddenly scared. I squeaked, “No! That’s not OK!”

Two weeks later, an ultrasound confirmed that I was carrying twins.

I thought about keeping the babies – for a split second. But I wasn’t even old enough to get a job. There was no way I could take care of two babies. I never considered having an abortion. So it wasn’t a huge, agonizing decision for me to figure out what to do: Adoption was the obvious choice.

I was still in a daze, just floating through the experience a day at a time. Nancy, my tutor, became my lifeline. She helped me research all the different ways to do an adoption, then let me decide how to proceed.

I didn’t know much about open adoption. I knew how a partially open adoption worked, where the birthmother gets letters and pictures but no visits. For me, closed adoption was definitely out. I didn’t want my babies growing up wondering about their heritage. I grew up without knowing my own father and that bothered me. So I started calling local agencies that did open adoptions, gathering information.

Most of the people I talked to were curt, even rude. I was just a 14-year-old kid trying to get some help and still feeling like this wasn’t really happening to me. So any little obstacle seemed huge. But when I called Open Adoption & Family Services, they were so nice and helpful that I immediately set up an appointment to come in and talk to a counselor.

Nancy went with me, and the counselor explained the steps involved in open adoption. Then she gave me some packets – letters and pictures of people wanting to adopt – to take home and look over.

I looked at all the pictures and read a lot of letters. One photo, a candid snapshot of a smiling couple, stood out from the rest. They looked so happy that they really caught my interest. I went back to OA&FS and got several big, thick packets, including the “happy couple” packet. Theirs was the only one I read all the way through. I just knew they were my family.

I met Tim and Judi shortly before I went into labor. They lived in Eugene, but they drove to Portland to meet me. I was nervous. But from that very first meeting, I absolutely loved them. They are very happy, wonderful people.

The reality of what I was doing finally began to sink in. I had been in a dream world for quite a while, not really taking any of it seriously. Then I went through the “cool” stage, thinking, “Hey, everybody, look at me! I’m pregnant – with twins!”

A couple of weeks before the birth, though, it suddenly hit me. My little dream world went whoosh, like air out of a balloon. I started to think about things more seriously at that point. I’d seen teenagers keep children they couldn’t take care of. Every time I’d see a situation like that, I’d feel so terrible for the kids. I knew my kids would have a horrible time if I even attempted to raise them. Like every birthmother, I loved my babies and didn’t want to let them go. But that’s exactly why I was determined to place my twins with Tim and Judi. I truly loved them and wanted what was best for them. All along, I knew that the wisest, most loving choice for me was adoption.

I was 31 weeks pregnant when I went into labor. My doctor put me in the hospital and tried to keep the babies in as long as possible. It worked for a week. Then she determined that one of the babies was in trouble, so she tried to get them out as soon as possible. It was a sudden, strange reversal, and I was scared. I thought I’d have more time to prepare for childbirth.

The actual birth wasn’t too difficult, but there were several complications, both for me and the babies. I didn’t even see my boys for the first couple of days after they were born. I couldn’t leave my room, and they were in incubators in the neonatal intensive care unit.

I did spend some time with them before I left the hospital. And I came back to see them a few times during the two months they had to stay there. It was very difficult for me, both physically and emotionally, to see them. I would sit and hold my tiny boys and think, “This is it. They’re going to go home with Tim and Judi, and they’ll take wonderful care of them, and my boys are going to be happy.”

Even though it was always hard for me to visit them, I never regretted placing them with Tim and Judi. I felt huge relief and deep gratitude that they were going to be well cared for. I knew that adoption was the best way to show my sons how much I loved them.

Andrew and Jacob are 7 years old now, and, over the years, the visits have become easier. We have a lot of fun. I see them two or three times a year, but if they lived closer and if my schedule were not so crazy, I would see them more often. It is gratifying to see my boys growing up in such a wonderful family. My relationship with them is very warm, very open. I love their whole family, and I know they love me too.

Choosing adoption helped me get on with my life. I grew up. It was almost like a near-death experience. Before I got pregnant, my life was a real mess. I feel like I got a second chance, and I’m doing everything I can to make something good of my life.

It hurts to let your child go. But if you think about him instead of your own pain, it becomes so much easier. You realize what a gift you are giving, to find your child a family that can give him the life he deserves.

And you can still be a part of your child’s life. A big part. A lot of adoptive parents really want the birthparents to be around. Open adoption is a win/win/win situation.

Crystle Brewster placed twins Andrew and Jacob in 1997.

Author Lisa Meadows Garfield is an adoptive mom, a birth grandmother and the author of "For Love of a Child: Stories of Adoption." You can call 1-877-830-0811 or e-mail lisagarfield@peoplepc.com to order the book.

Yvonne is in 2nd grade at Touchstone Elementary in Lake Oswego. She likes to write, draw, do arts and crafts, and play with her little brother (if he is not being annoying). Yvonne enjoys watching local dance performances, especially if her birthmother, Kristin, is performing.

Holiday Parties 2004-2005

Open Adoption, Seven Years Later

Art and Diane Tyson with their children Ava and Trevor

In October 2004, adoptive mom Diane Tyson, of Arizona, sent OA&FS a wonderful letter about her family and her open adoption experiences. Following are some highlights:

We started our open adoption process with your agency, going through the workshops and the evening get-togethers with other prospective adoptive parents. All the education and experience you provide is invaluable for longterm, successful open adoption relationships with birth families.

We adopted Trevor through Attorney John Chally’s ofﬁce in May 1997. We were in the pool at OA&FS when a birthmother came to his ofﬁce. His agency networked with OA&FS, and that is how we came to adopt our son.

Seven years later, and it is fantastic. We talk about four times a year with Annie, Trevor’s birthmother. We send cards and pictures frequently. As the years have gone by, it becomes less of “how is Trevor doing,” and more a general love, care and concern for all the families involved. We love Annie, her husband and their child. Annie’s grandmother, Trevor’s birth-greatgrandmother, has traveled to Arizona and stayed in our home. We adore Grandma Georgia; she showers both of our children with such love. I often use the saying, “You can’t have too many people love your children.” I can’t imagine not knowing, communicating with and loving both our kids’ birth families.

Our daughter Ava found us. Trevor was not quite 2 years old when we received a call from Robin Pope, the attorney who ﬁnalized Trevor’s adoption, saying we met the proﬁle for a birthmother working with a different adoption agency. We were not looking to adopt again so soon; Trevor as a toddler was all the energy we could handle in one household. But we submitted our “Dear Birthparent” letter, and a wonderful birthmother, Christine, chose us.

Christine was very hesitant about open adoption. She had come to Portland to hide her pregnancy, and at the time, we were not permitted to know her last name. However, with the positive experiences with Trevor’s birth family in mind, we were determined to have some type of relationship with her and her family. We had time on our side, 8 weeks before the baby was due. We invited Christine and her family for dinners at our house and picnics at the park with Trevor, and that is when she decided open adoption would be the best option for her.

Christine had a very rough time after the birth. She doubted her decision quite a bit. But Christine got to experience Ava as much as she wanted. We were patient. We let her work through her emotions. Christine did not have counseling prior to placement; she was not made aware of the intense emotions that ﬂood a birthmother who goes home without her baby. But we knew and understood her emotions because of the incredible education we received early on at OA&FS.

Today, we see Christine frequently, as she lives 30 minutes from us in the Phoenix area. Her family celebrates Christmas and birthdays with us. My daughter knows how loved she is by her birth family. She knows whom she looks like and why she will be only 5’ 2” in a home of over-six-foot-tall parents.

We are so thankful to your agency for providing all parties the education needed for successful, long-term, meaningful open adoption relationships.

Agency Happenings

Strategic plan
OA&FS is developing its strategic plan for the next few years. Staff and board members gathered on Saturday, Jan. 29, to evaluate the agency’s recent successes and challenges and to brainstorm priorities for this year and beyond. Cliff Jones, senior associate with Portland’s TACS (Technical Assistance for Community Services) and an expert on nonproﬁt growth and development, facilitated the session. If you have any ideas or input, please call Development Director Tara Wilkinson at 503-226-4870. The strategic plan will be ﬁnalized in the next few months.

Children’s book
In February, adoption publisher Perspectives Press will decide whether to accept a children’s book written by Executive Director Shari Levine and illustrated by Regional Director Margaret Godfrey. If the company declines, OA&FS will investigate self-publishing the book. Shari and Margaret created the book to ﬁll a need for more and better-written open adoption stories for young children.

Seattle move>
Open Adoption & Family Services’ Seattle ofﬁce has moved. The new space is in the lower Queen Anne neighborhood at Queen Anne Square, 200 West Mercer St., Suite E-508, Seattle, WA, 98119. The Seattle phone number will stay the same: 206-782-0442.

Congratulations
OA&FS Board President Roy Abramowitz and his partner Kay were married on Jan. 8, 2005. Congratulations!

Fundraising update
OA&FS launched its 2004-2005 annual fundraising campaign in November. Since then, the agency has raised $14,000 toward its $28,000 goal. Contributions support free options counseling and other services for birthparents, as well as open adoption community events and educational programs. It’s not too late to give. OA&FS accepts gifts by cash, check or credit card. To make a donation by credit card, please call Fiscal Manager Cindy Lee at 503-226-4870. To discuss other giving options, including estate-planning methods, please call Development Director Tara Wilkinson at the same number.

Open Page distribution
Want to add a family member, friend or professional associate to OA&FS’ mailing list? Send names and addresses to development Director Tara Wilkinson at tara@openadopt.com.

The premier northwest adoption agency completing the most domestic, infant adoptions in Oregon and Washington.

5200 SW Macadam Avenue,
Suite 250
Portland, Oregon 97239

315 West 10th Ave.
Eugene, OR 97401

200 West Mercer Street,
Suite E-508
Seattle, WA 98119