Open Adoption and Family Services Quarterly Newsletter
Winter 2004 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 14, No. 1
Articles:
Mission Statement Accomplished
The Meaning of Family
Kids Corner - Poetry by Shane Tidrick
A Birthmother's Dreams for Her Son
Making Merry in 2003
Agency Happenings
Adoption in the News: A Quick Look at Recent Research & Headlines
Mission Statement Accomplished
By Adrienne van der Valk, Eugene Counselor/Mediator
The beginning of a great adventure is an exhilarating time. But like any group crusading toward a common goal, the band of characters in an open adoption story may encounter unexpected challenges and obstacles along the path.
They may stumble across communication barriers; they may come face-to-face with their own insecurities; they may wander slightly off course, feeling their idealism wane.
The goal becomes cloudy, amorphous. What is a “good relationship?” What is in “the best interest” of the child?
Nonprofit agencies and businesses create mission statements to clarify complex goals. Mission statements provide a continuous, underlying sense of purpose. They help guide the small, daily decisions that contribute to an ultimate goal.
Some open adoption families are using this model of goal-setting as they begin relationships with birthparents and their children. This process has brought clarity and resolution to adoptive parents and birthparents in times of joy and struggle.
Adoptive parent Carol Merwin of Portland, Oregon, chose to phrase her adoption goals as “ideal scenes.”
“Most people spend more time focusing on what they don’t want to happen than what they do want to happen,” Merwin reflected. “I believe it’s important to focus on a positive vision of what we’re trying to create in life.”
Merwin continually updates her ideal scenes as her relationships with her daughter’s birthparents grow and change. She has included, for example: “I am joyfully supporting Natalie in having a loving and close relationship with her birthparents.”
Merwin distinguishes between relying on her best intentions and actually creating her ideal scenes.
“They help me direct my words and thoughts to what I do want in my life,” she said. “Putting it down on paper is important to me, because I believe it is easier to manifest something if you have an explicit written/visual description.”
The open adoption agreement binds families legally; reinforcing the values of a new relationship at placement helps families begin their journeys in a trusting and child-centered atmosphere.
The promises that adoptive parents Jean Nahan and Sean Stitham of Seattle, Washington, made during their entrustment ceremony have had a very positive effect on their adoption relationship.
“I think the ceremony was very helpful as an assurance to (the birthmom) that she will be in our lives,” Nahan said. “It also affirmed that her family felt we were the right family to raise this child, and we developed a commitment that we’re all in this together.”
Allison Aldous and Mace Vaughan of Portland, Oregon, created a written program for their daughter’s entrustment ceremony that included songs, poems, and a personal pledge to her birthparents.
Allison Aldous & Mace Vaughan with
daughter Cameron at the 2003
Portland holiday party
In the program, Mace and Allison reiterated the commitment made in their open adoption agreement to resolve conflicts when they arise, as well as promising to “…look upon you (birthparents) as our new extended family” and “…to raise Cameron in a home that is open to all joys and challenges, no matter how those are presented to us.”
Designing Cameron’s entrustment as a commitment ceremony set a tone of emotional intimacy for the adoption.
While some families are comfortable with formality at the time of placement, others may feel that they or the birthparents are unprepared to participate in such an emotional process. Even if a group discussion of relationship goals is not possible, each individual in an open adoption can create a personal mission statement to guide his or her actions and responses.
Eugene Counselor/Mediator Margaret Godfrey encourages clients to set communication standards for themselves, especially during times of conflict.
“Every interpersonal situation provides you the opportunity to take on one of three roles: the parent, the child or the adult,” she said. “If everyone strove to be the adult all the time, much of the power imbalance in relationships could be prevented.”
OA&FS offers an optional third mediation six months to one year after placement to help clients evaluate relationship progress and set goals. Many families find it easier to name goals after they’ve lived their relationships for several months.
OA&FS counselors are always available for follow-up meetings, free of charge, whether a relationship is in conflict or not.
In another effort to provide families with tools for building their open adoptions, OA&FS recently created and offered for the first time a Relationship Skills Workshop. This event, facilitated by staff and board members and adult adoptees, assists adoptive parents and birthparents as they develop communication skills and learn to talk about adoption with children at various developmental stages.
Seattle Counselor/Mediator Katie R. Stallman helped develop the event’s curriculum. “The workshop is designed to help people look at their individual personality traits and how those impact their relationships with their child and the other party,” she said. “This can help people learn to think before they react, reclarify the vision for their relationship, and set goals for moving in a direction more satisfying for everyone, especially the child.”
OA&FS’ goal is to offer the relationship skills workshop again in future months and years, dependingon demand. If you are interested in attending, please contact Development Director Tara Wilkinson.
Each character in an open adoption story acts with purpose and deliberation. No one arrives at open adoption if his or her desire is to avoid hard work and challenges. On the contrary, the open adoption community consists of individuals who recognize that the amazing benefits of ongoing contact are not to be had without intentionally nurturing the relationships.
The Meaning of Family
By Stephanie Brown Reinier
Birthmother Stephanie on her wedding day with daughter and flower girl, Claire.
My daughter's father married my husband and me.
Sounds like the Jerry Springer Show, doesn't it?
When I tell people this, they take a long look at me until I explain.
My daughter's name is Claire. When I found out I was pregnant with her, I was 21 years old. I was really unprepared to have a child. My husband, Gary, is not her birthfather (we didn't even meet until I was six months pregnant), and I wasn't mature enough to raise a child. I watched many of my friends become single parents and struggle to raise their children in a healthy environment. I felt Claire deserved more.
I contacted Open Adoption and Family Services shortly before Claire was due. The agency sent me information about its services and the pool of families waiting to adopt. I chose (with my mother's input) Larry and Jennifer Johnson of Portland, Oregon. I wanted to meet the Johnsons because our interests were very much alike, and they wrote a wonderful “Dear Birthparent Letter” describing their marriage and their dog Bumper (who they said could take a toddler’s finger to the eye like a champ!)
My counselor in Seattle arranged a meeting at Denny's Restaurant in Everett, Washington. It really impressed me that the Johnsons would drive four hours here and four hours back on a Friday night in traffic just to meet me and get to know me. (Or, the other option: They were crazy!)
Over the next few weeks, we had more meetings, and I began to discover what amazing people they are. I learned a little bit about them — how Larry can’t drink caffeine, and how both of them love books and their dog. And they learned more and more about me —how I fight with my naturally curly hair every morning, and how much I love books, too.
I was scheduled to be induced, because Claire was overdue. In retrospect, I am so happy I was induced because it meant Jennifer and Larry could be at the hospital with a good night's sleep and see the baby immediately after she was born. They were in the room with me until the contractions got really hard, and then everyone gave me a little time to ... have a baby! My mom was my partner during labor.
Mom was the first person to hold Claire. Five to ten minutes later everyone (Jennifer and Larry, my mom and dad, my brother and soon to-be sister-in-law) came in to visit. It was a party atmosphere. Larry went to the cafeteria and got me the best salad I have ever eaten in my life.
The next day, as Jennifer and Larry were spending time with Claire and my parents, Gary came to the hospital to visit. He gave me a rose and little bunnies that made a kissing noise. I knew then that he liked me. He was cute, holding the bunnies out to me. So, you see, Gary has known Claire (outside my tummy) exactly one day less than me.
During the past four years, Larry, Jennifer, Claire, little brother Andrew and Bumper have become my extended family. When my father and I drove down to southern Oregon to visit my grandmother, we stopped and visited for about an hour at the Johnsons. Gary has visited them with me, and my grandmother went up to Portland for Claire's second birthday. The Johnsons have traveled to Seattle, to Everett and even to my parent’s house in Marysville. Having the Johnsons visit is one of the highlights of the year for our family.
When Gary and I decided to get married after three years of dating, we knew right away who we wanted to perform the ceremony. Larry told us about a year earlier that he had gone online and become a minister. (Can you believe that? The things you find on the Internet!) Larry is in sales by day, and the idea of being a “minister”really appeals to him. He actually married another family member before he married us, so we knew he had at least one satisfied customer! When we asked Larry to perform the ceremony, he asked me, “You know what my fee is? Free! You can’t get better than that!”
We talked to Larry and Jennifer a lot the month before the wedding, trying to coordinate the ceremony. Claire was to be our flower girl, and let me tell you, Jennifer did an excellent job of matching the lilac of Claire's dress to the wedding colors, sight unseen. We decided on June 21, 2003, as the date, and we picked a beach in a park in Stanwood, Washington, for the site.
On the big day, Claire did a fabulous job of walking with my maid-of-honor, Misty, down the aisle. Misty showed her how to throw the petals, and Claire really relished the role. My mom and dad say she stole the show.
After we walked down the aisle, my dad gave me away, and I could hear Claire in the background, being a happy 3-year-old.
When it came time for the ceremony, though, everything faded away except Gary and the vows we were taking from Larry, a very special person in our lives. We wrote our own vows, but they meant a lot more coming from Larry than they would have from an impersonal judge or minister who didn’t know us well.
I am so happy that Larry, Jennifer, Claire and Andrew were involved with this huge step Gary and I took together. It was a meaningful continuation of a previous huge step I took with the Johnson’s, Claire’s placement. It was wonderful having my so-called "adoptive family" (Claire's family), mixed in with my "real" family. Those are just labels; loving one another, I feel, is the true meaning of family.
Poetry by Shane Tidrick
Super Bowl (2004)
It was the day before kickoff, When fans started forming
at the gate. Anxious to get inside For Bowl Game 38. I had the best seat in the house, And I waited to see …. No seriously, it was the best seat, Right in front of the T.V. And what’s a good bowl game Without a good friendly bet? You come out a winner, Or more often in debt. On our leather couch, I so comfortably sat, Waiting for the dirty, pretty boys To get eaten by my cats. And, of course, after coin toss Is a great time for ads. Some make you laugh, Others are bad. But after about seven, You’ll start to go mad! You scream at the screen, Which is really kinda sad. And the whole time Mom watches Me and my Dad, Laughing at us like it was The best time she’s had. Finally the game is back on And I’m so glad.
Weatherman (2004)
Do we really need a weatherman, The only star without a fan? He tells you the weather for the next night, But how often is this guy right? He warns us of snow, and we get out the chains. The night of snow, it only rains! Yet we’re all thinkin’ his job is an art. We all think that he’s really so smart. He doesn’t even make the observations. It’s done by satellites made in European nations. You give the people their news; they put money in your hand. I wish that I were a well paid weatherman!
Shane Tidrick is a 16-year-old sophomore at Beaverton High School. His burning interest right now is basketball, and (at six-feet tall!) he plays the post position on the Junior Varsity II team. He also enjoys spending time with his friends, playing games on his X-box, traveling, studying World War II history and playing his electric guitar.
After graduating high school, he plans to join the Army National Guard while attending junior college, possibly studying history.
Shane’s adoption is interracial. His adoptive parents are Caucasian; he and his adopted siblings are African-American. Shane is proud of his heritage.
His adoption took place when he was 2.5 weeks old, as a joint venture between Open Adoption & Family Services and The Boys & Girls Aid Society.
A Birthmother’s Dreams for Her Son
By Aubriel Hopp
Aubriel and Lawrence, 2003
I am 18 years old. I placed my child in an open adoption in March 2003. I maintain contact with my son, Lawrence Adrielle, and his adoptive parents, Ellen and John.
When I went through the open adoption process, I got to pick how many visits I will have with the adoptive parents, as well as how many letters and pictures of my son I will receive each year. I chose to visit only twice a year. My reasons were that I wasn’t sure how things would go, emotionally and also physically. Also, transportation is a big issue for me.
When I was pregnant with my son it was a wonderful, yet painful, situation. I was torn between trying to keep Lawrence Adrielle and making it on my own, or planning an open adoption for him. I was very scared of giving birth and giving him up right then and there in the hospital.
When I was in the hospital room with the prospective adoptive parents, I think there were a lot of nervous feelings going on between us all. One question that ran through my mind was, “Are they going to accept me as a person, as well the relationship with my son?”
Well, it has turned out to be a perfect match for me and my son. I would like to thank Ellen and John for that.
Birthmother Aubriel with Adoptive Parents
John and Ellen and baby Lawrence
When I first met Ellen and John, I was really scared of them – not because they were mean, but because we were meeting for the first time. I think the reason Ellen and John are a perfect match for me and Lawrence is because they are wonderful people and very good parents to my son.
My hopes and dreams for Lawrence include him growing up to be a strong-hearted person and becoming whatever he wants to be. I want him to have many good ideas and values he can use to make it through the world.
Making Merry in 2003
We were delighted to print several photos from OA&FS’ 2003 summer picnics in our fall newsletter. But there just wasn’t room for all the great pictures we wanted to share — not to mention the new shots from the holiday parties in December. So we’d like to take this chance to present a mini-album of your 2003 open adoption community. Enjoy!
Mike Smith and daughter
Emily at the Seattle summer picnic
Birthmom Natalie Yell with son
Joseph Gough at the Eugene holiday party
Eileen Mergy (left) with
Cherie Carstensen and
Cherie’s daughter Willa
at the Portland holiday party
Patrick McIlrath and daughter
Sarah at the Eugene summer picnic
Jean Nahan (left) and son Finnean with Karen Gustafson and
son Ian at the Seattle summer picnic
Beth Melnick and Don Baldwin with son Ian at the Portland holiday party
Eric Gutierrez and son Isaac at
the Seattle summer picnic
John Whitehouse and daughter
Camille at the Portland holiday party
Laura and Steve with birthmother
Nikki (center) and son Isaac at
the Eugene summer picnic
Portland Counselor/Mediator Sari Prevost
with daughter Dyllon
Patrick McIlrath (left) and Steve Gough at the Eugene holiday party
Agency Happenings
Relationship Skills Workshop a Success
OA&FS hosted the inaugural run of its Relationship Skills Workshop on Feb. 28 at the Doubletree Hotel Columbia River in Portland. The workshop was a great success, with about 30 adoptive parents and birthparents learning conflict resolution techniques and strategies for communicating with adopted children at various developmental stages.
OA&FS will hold this important workshop again in upcoming years, perhaps in Seattle or other Northwest cities. Your feedback will guide our plans; please e-mail Development Director Tara Wilkinson if you’re interested in attending future workshops.
Special thanks to the several adoptive parents and birthparents who provided scholarships for other birthparents to attend the workshop. We are so grateful for your willingness to support the event in this meaningful way.
Board of Directors Elects New Leaders
As previously reported, long-time OA&FS Board President Darleen Ortega stepped down last summer to become a judge on the Oregon Court of Appeals. Toward the end of 2003, the board unanimously voted in a new president and vice president. Congratulations to President Roy Abramowitz, financial advisor and principal of Perkins& Co., and Vice President Erik Bergman, adoptive father and editing manager at Waggener Edstrom.
Roy and Erik are creative and talented, and have served loyally on the board of directors for many years. Roy’s planned giving expertise has guided OA&FS’ fundraising decisions. Erik provides invaluable editing and media relations advice. (In addition, he was named Waggener Edstrom’s November “Volunteer of the Month,” resulting in several opportunities for him to speak about the rewards of open adoption.)
We welcome Roy and Erik to their new leadership positions, and thank them for their commitment to our wonderful board of directors.
Making Progress on New Birthfather Brochure
OA&FS will finish and release a new brochure for birthfathers in the next two months. We are refining the design for this outreach piece — which will address the specific questions, needs and concerns of men exploring adoption options. The brochure will serve as a sorely needed companion piece to OA&FS’ popular and effective birthmother brochure.
OA&FS Launches Endowment Fund
Stable funding is critical to nonprofit organizations; OA&FS is no exception. That’s why we’re excited to announce that our board of directors recently voted to establish a $25,000 endowment fund with the Oregon Community Foundation (OCF). The fund will help sustain OA&FS’ services and programs far into the future.
The OCF board and investment committee oversee the fund. Its assets are invested as part of the community foundation’s large and professionally managed asset pool. In turn, OA&FS will receive distributions from the fund twice a year.
nd at any time. This is where you can get involved with this gift that keeps on giving. Through the OCF endowment partnership, clients and friends can make a planned gift — often called a “life income” gift. OCF staff will work with our agency and clients to explain and establish a variety of planned gifts, such as charitable remainder trusts and pooled income fund gifts. OCF can serve as trustee and manager of these planned gifts, with the income going to you and your spouse (for example) during your lifetimes.
The remainder of the assets, at the end of your lives, would be added to our agency’s endowment fund — with the income acting as a continually regenerating donation to our programs and services.
Many of our clients and other friends make contributions to OA&FS’ annual fund. These cash donations support our year-to-year initiatives, and we couldn’t survive without them. The endowment provides visionary donors with an opportunity to make a different kind of gift — a long-range, lifetime gift. Please call Development Director Tara Wilkinson for more information about the new endowment fund or other planned giving options.
Adoption in the News:
A Quick Look at Recent Research & Headlines
Open Adoption Makes Headway Across the Country
A longitudinal study published recently in Adoption Quarterly offers encouragement to open adoption advocates nationwide. The study reports that more and more agencies are offering “fully disclosed adoption” — 79 percent of agencies in 1999, as opposed to 36 percent in 1987. At the same time, closed adoptions are becoming less common: Only one-third of agencies offered fully confidential placements and none maintained adoption programs with only confidential placements in 1999. Eighty-seven percent of agencies reported birthmother demand as the reason for this move toward openness.
East Coast Parents Pleased with Open Adoption
New England adoptive couples participating in a longitudinal study published in the July 2003 Social Work all reported happiness with the openness in their adoptions. The 16 couples reported that they have maintained contact with their children’s birthparents as specified in their open adoption contracts. They all expressed the belief that “mychild is better off because she or he has access to her or his birthparent.”
More Agencies Working with Same-Sex Couples
Another encouraging survey, this one conducted by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, indicates that60 percent of adoption agencies now accept applications from gay and lesbian prospective adoptive parents. About40 percent of agencies say they have placed a child with a same-sex family. (However, private agencies placing infants are still much less likely to work with same-sex parents than are foster care programs.)
Pediatricians Take Pro-Open Adoption Stance
A new American Academy of Pediatrics’ report advises parents to begin talking about adoption with children right from the time of their placements, even as infants. These “foundations are important in the later development of positive attitudes about adoption, a child’s birthparents, and himself or herself,” the report said. The report also confirms that searching for birth families is a “sign of healthy emotional growth in the search for identity.”
Birth Relatives Finding Peace Through Contact
Birth relatives’ ability to accept, understand and approve of adoption is related to ongoing face-to-face contact with placed children, according to a study published last summer in the British journal Adoption and Fostering. “Almost all relatives,” the survey said of its participants, described a process of acceptance increasing over time through the experience of contact.
The premier northwest adoption agency completing the most domestic, infant adoptions in Oregon and Washington.
5200 SW Macadam Avenue,
Suite 250
Portland, Oregon 97239
315 West 10th Ave.
Eugene, OR 97401
200 West Mercer Street,
Suite E-508
Seattle, WA 98119
| Oregon: | ||
|---|---|---|
| Portland, OR: | Phone: (503) 226-4870 | Fax: (503) 226-4891 |
| Eugene, OR: | Phone: (541) 343-4825 | Fax: (541) 431-1241 |
| Medford, OR: | Phone: (541) 608-6134 | Fax: (541) 282-8564 |
| Bend, OR: | Phone: (541) 388-2535 | |
| Salem, OR: | Phone: (503) 540-5832 | |
| Washington: | ||
| Seattle, WA: | Phone: (206) 782-0442 | Fax: (206) 782-0578 |
| Vancouver, WA: | Phone: (360) 254-7236 | |
| Olympia, WA: | Phone: (360) 352-3063 | |
