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Summer 2004 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 14, No. 2

Articles:

Claiming in Open Adoption: A Tribute to Ashton
Rosie Has Three Mommas
A Birthmom’s Story
Kids’ Corner: Art by Ben Freeman
Lifegivers Retreat in Review
Agency Happenings

Claiming in Open Adoption: A Tribute to Ashton

By Executive Director Shari Levine

This is really Ashton’s story, but in it lies a lesson for us all. Our daughter’s birthmom, Jaque, and her husband, Ralph, welcomed their baby boy Ashton into the world in August 2002. Sadly, he was born with Down’s Syndrome and multiple malformations in his lungs and heart. Even after open-heart surgery, the doctors were unable to heal Ashton, and he died at the tender age of 8 months.

My husband and I, with our children Gabriel and Adrie, joined Jaque and her family for Ashton’s funeral in Montana last April (2003). It was heartbreaking, but also profoundly inspiring. At the age of 24, Jaque stood before the crowd and read the eulogy she wrote for her baby boy; she is among the bravest, strongest people I know. Our relationship with her, which was born of the heartfelt emotions of our open adoption, was deepened by coming together to honor Ashton.

By going to the funeral, we were publicly claiming Jaque’s family as our own. We were saying to them that they are part of our clan, and we are part of theirs. They can count on us, and if they need us, we will be there.

Claiming is a powerful and important element in open adoption. It is a way of publicly conveying the pride you feel in your relationship. Claiming is a way of celebrating a treasured connection. It breaks through the barriers of shame, guilt and sadness — and allows you to fully embrace the other with an open heart. Claiming is also contagious. In the face of claiming, it is difficult to do anything but return the favor.

Our presence at Ashton’s funeral meant a great deal to Jaque and her family. In return, Jaque proudly introduced me to friends and relatives, saying, “This is Shari; she is Adrie’s mom.” I was deeply touched by her generosity, especially on a day filled with so much loss for her. It inspired me to later enlarge a picture of her and Adrie, frame it and send it to her for Mother’s Day. The holiday, as fate would have it, came only two short weeks after she buried her son.

At the funeral, Adrie did some claiming of her own. The memorial was followed by a graveside service in which family members placed roses on Ashton’s casket. Cam, the kids and I stood on the sidelines watching. Suddenly, Adrie let go of my hand, ran into a neighboring field, picked a wildflower and carefully placed it on Ashton’s casket. Then she sat down on the grass next to Hailey and took her hand. (Hailey is Jaque’s other daughter, Adrie’s sister.) I was touched by Adrie’s sensitivity and compassion. Ashton was Adrie’s brother; this was a significant life event for her, too.

Ashton’s funeral was a bittersweet and tragic event, but I am so glad we were there. It not only gave us all a much-needed sense of peace and closure to Ashton’s death, it brought us even closer to Jaque and her family.

Since then, the spirit of claiming has easily continued in our open adoption relationships. In March, our son Gabriel’s birthmom, Faith, got married. We were there offering our blessing and support. Adrie was the flower girl and Gabriel watched, in his quiet, contemplative way. What struck me this time was not our family’s act of claiming, but the unsolicited claiming of my niece and nephew. At the ages of 20 and 16, they have witnessed our open adoptions from the beginning. Alison and Dustin have always shared and never questioned the love we feel for our children’s birth families. To hear them openly claim their connection to our open adoption families at Faith’s wedding made me immensely proud.

And in April, we joined Jaque and her family as her parents renewed their vows for their 25th wedding anniversary. We were honored to be included in the celebration. It is clear to me how much we’ve all gained from the merging of our families.

As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the example of how we live our lives. Open adoption gives us fertile ground for teaching the values that, in the end, matter most: empathy, compassion and trust. Thank you, Ashton, for being in your life and in your death a teacher to us all.

Shari and her husband, Cameron, adopted their two children at birth. They enjoy very open adoptions. Gabriel is now 12 years old and Adrie is 5 years old.

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Rosie Has Three Mommas

By Jacklyn Amberwood

Hi, Rosie here.

I’ve been on this planet for only 17.5 months, but I know a whole lot!

For one thing, I know much more about buying and selling than your average baby. In my first 8 months of life here, I sold (in a day!) my first home in urban Portland, bought a house in rural Springfield, and bought a fairly new car for Mum to commute to school and work. As a result, I’ve learned to never cave under pressure, to ask lots of questions, and to wear a poker face. (That last part was the hardest, especially with all my drool.)

I figured writing this article would be a snap in comparison. Besides, I’m the only one, other than my buddy God, who always knew what was happening in my birthmom and parents’ adoption journey. My eyes never left the sky screen, if ya know what I mean.

Mum and Mama’s adoption experience was a turbulent, chaotic, soulsearching time. It completely changed the course of their lives.

So, here’s what happened...

In the summer of 1999, Mum and Mama finally felt they had enough ducks in a row (ha!) to begin the adoption process. They had always known I would find them through the adoption experience, and that it was just a matter of when to start.

M & M worked for 1.5 years with the state of Oregon’s adoption program, until their experience became, in their words, a “joyless process.” During this time, M & M began to equate the adoption journey with a spiritual journey. They felt they were being transformed, sometimes painfully.

M & M researched the philosophy of open adoption. It felt so right to them, as they were never quite comfortable with the secrets and unknowns often part of closed adoption. Plus, Mama, who can research the wazoo out of anything, became convinced from her readings that open adoption is clearly a healthier choice for the child. Since M & M are gay and know what it feels like to have a heavy secret and to “feel different from the rest of the group,” they didn’t want their child to have those burdens. (I don’t get it yet, but every time I happen to be playing in the closet, they joke that “No child of ours will ever have to live in the closet about anything!”) the placement In the spring of 2000, my moms left the state program and began working with OA&sFS. (Yay! They’re definitely getting warmer, closer to me and my plan with my birthmom!)

Both Mama and Mum were thrilled with the homestudy process, as well as their counselor, Suzie, who had a great sense of humor. They used to say, “Finally, someone wants to interview us!” You can tell they’re real yakkers (and so is our border terrier, Zane). Both individually and as a couple they feel they’ve lived fascinating lives; they’re still waiting for 60 Minutes to call.

With the homestudy process complete, M & M entered the pool of waiting families on August 28, 2001. They began to wade (wait) for what felt like an eternity. They attended the “New Baby Care” class at Emanuel Hospital and took copious notes, got the infant car seat, and set up a very simple nursery. No special pieces of furniture were bought (M & M are good at “transforming” what they already have) — except for the sacred breast pump. Mama researched adoptive breastfeeding and even met with a lactation consultant. But after a while, their tandem pumping days ended. It had become just another painful reminder that M & M hadn’t yet been chosen.

In the beginning of their “wade,” they attended all the monthly OA&sFS potluck gatherings, where they heard many affirming placement stories. M & M heard again and again how “mysterious” the placement process is - how everything is always perfectly timed and how birthparent/adoptive parent matches are divinely made. In November 2001, my moms hosted the monthly OA&sFS potluck, with a ton of parents and kids filling our small, 90-year-old home.

After attending a good many of those social potlucks without their child, and seeing everyone else with children, M & M had had enough! Sure, everyone was reassuring and told them “it” would happen at the right time. But didn’t all these people and OA&sFS know that M & M’s experience would bust their positive statistics!?! Besides, my moms weren’t getting any younger - maybe their milk would dry up! Of course, this is my humor, and at the time my moms just felt sad and wanted me to be with them.

On Thanksgiving of that year, my moms set an “intention” to pull me home, and asked their friends and family to fuel it. Mama hung a blank canvas surrounded by paints and brushes in her basement studio. One by one, in privacy, each person added love to lure me. This process went on for quite some time. That painting exudes so much energy! Mama set up a little altar on the second-floor landing to guide me. She placed a small, blanketed, knitted doll in a basket, encircled by found pieces of coral, and hung her spontaneous “baby” paintings above.

All this was harder on Mama than Mum, who was simultaneously dealing with a couple of significant interruptions in her PR/marketing career due to the dotcom crash. To be light about it, those problems actually helped - it gave them money worries, which switched the focus from me.

So, the homestudy picture they had painted, with Mama taking me to her painting studio while she taught and Mum bringing in the major bacon, was now all a dream. Mama worried about that, too, and cried and cried. How could they even consider raising a child now?! In hindsight, a burst of clear-mindedness, which felt ridiculous to Mama, made them follow through on a baby registry at ... you know where.

Ok, so this is where I saw them begin to shine, and I was rootin’ and cheerin’ way up in the sky. Mum and Mama began to realize that the wait was, in itself, a journey to embrace. This experience of waiting for me was changing them. They were being kneaded like clay, morphing into new forms.

I don’t really understand what they did next, but I think it was the key to their survival and growth. M & M intuitively knew they had to make big mind shifts. They knew they had to face the possibility they weren’t meant to raise children together. This meant that they had to accept that their individual and combined lives were good and satisfying as they were.

M & M didn’t want to become desperate to raise a child. They knew they had to trust God and where Spirit was taking them — even if that meant a life with no children. If you ask them now, M & M would say that yes, they did let go. But deep, deep down they felt there was still a chance.

(Remember, I’m still watching this from the sky screen, knowing all along where both of them were headed — and this next part is funny!)

In March 2002, Mama began seeing in her mind’s eye, on a daily basis, two floating balloons. After a short time, a word appeared on each balloon: “real” and “estate.” And always in that order, which made her shudder to think.

Mama argued a lot with God on this matter. Over time, she remembered that any time she did not follow guidance she sank in life. So, with sadness and trust, Mama closed her Portland studio at the end of June and began studying for her broker’s license in July. Each step of the real estate way, Mama, in trepidation, would shake her head in disbelief. But she got her license in record time and began building her real estate business with a big, corporate company in September 2002.

That same month, Mum began her first term of grad school, were she was studying gerontology and psychology, with a hair-pulling commute to Oregon State University in Corvallis.

In the midst of all this turbulent change, Mama and Mum agreed to host OA&sFS’ first “Waiting Families Support Group,” to be held in March 2003. How ironic that now seems. Three years of Rosie-wait was about to end.

My skin felt earth air for the first time on Nov. 24, as my birthmom Lark gave me the gift of life. At about 9:30 p.m. on Nov. 25, the night before Mama’s important meeting that would cinch a pipeline on her first real estate business, and after 15 months of wading in that pool (don’t forget the 18 months they worked with the state), Mum picked up the ringing phone in her home office as she worked on a paper for class. It was THE CALL!

And as divinely planned, Lark chose Mum and Mama to be my forever parents.

The next morning, Mama didn’t make that business meeting, Mum skipped her classes, and we made OA&sFS history. Fifteen hours later, I came home to Portland with my two forever moms and met my stunned dog Zane.

If you ask M & M, they’ll say it’s an all-around perfect match. They love and have deep respect for my Lark - they all just “clicked” upon first meet.

Of course, I knew what was happening all along. Whodyathink brought all these people together?! Yep, me and my Buddy, who Mama and Mum continue to thank...

Over and out,
Rosie

P.S. If you have any questions, send them in care of OA&sFS, and I’ll get back to ya.

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A Birthmom's Story

By Amy Morse

I was 22 when I got pregnant. I had begun talking to Scott on the Internet a year earlier, and we had become friends. On May 9, 2003, I went to his house for the night. He asked if I was still on the birth control pill, but I wasn’t. At that moment, I knew I was pregnant.

Scott told me to get the “morningafter” pill, but I was unable to do that, since I had no health insurance to get a prescription from my doctor. A few weeks past, I took a pregnancy test: positive. Nervously, I went home and told my parents, with whom I was living at the time. I was mad at myself for doing this and felt it was just one more thing to add to my life’s screw-ups.

I went to the Canby Crisis Pregnancy Center to confirm my at-home test results. Replying to their questions about what I was going to do, I was adamant that I would keep the baby. I went home to inform my parents of my decision. I talked to Scott and told him I was pregnant, and he was furious. He told me I had to get an abortion. I told him no way, I was going to keep the baby.

I went to see my family therapist. We talked about my options. I told her I didn’t know much about adoption, but what I did know, I didn’t like. I wrote a pros/cons list and slowly began to see adoption in a different light. I used to think that you gave away your baby and never saw him/her again. I never knew you could have an ongoing relationship with the adoptive family.

Some of the things on my pros/cons list that pushed me away from parenting were: having to move out and live in subsidized housing, the baby growing up in a one-parent home, and living on welfare. Placing the baby in an open adoption became my choice. I called around to different adoption agencies and found Open Adoption & Family Services.

I called to set up an appointment. The staff was incredibly helpful. I had my first appointment on July 23. I was nervous, but my counselor was so nice. I started to see her once a month.

On Sept. 18, I had an ultra-sound and learned my baby was a girl.

I started looking at prospective adoptive families in October. I had criteria for the families I was considering. I wanted a Christian couple under 40 and living in the Northwest part of Oregon or Washington. I picked five couples and called my counselor. She gave me a packet on each. From these, I chose one family, Darrin and NaeDean. I wanted to meet them.

I had a counseling session with Scott in attendance. This was the first time I had seen him since the night I got pregnant. He agreed to meet with the prospective adoptive family.

We met Darrin and NaeDean for the first time on Dec. 3. I was so nervous, but the moment I walked in, I knew they were the family to raise my baby. They lived in a neighborhood similar to mine. They enjoyed the same activities as me, such as camping, movies, and just hanging out with family and friends. One thing I loved was that they both had quiet natures.

Darrin and NaeDean felt like family, and I had not yet known them for 24 hours.

The following morning, I called my counselor to let her know I wanted to move forward with Darrin and NaeDean. She told me NaeDean had called, too, on her way home from the meeting. NaeDean had said, “We talked over lunch and realized we want to take the next step in the process.” The counselor asked if she wanted to sleep on it, but NaeDean said she was confident and didn’t need to wait. This made me feel really good.

The second mediation, when we wrote our Open Adoption Agreement, was Jan. 15. We talked about visitations and communication. Later, NaeDean and I spent a Sunday afternoon together. We had begun regularly exchanging e-mail and phone calls. NaeDean and Darrin were easily becoming new members of my family.

On Friday, Jan. 30, I was admitted to the labor and delivery ward. On Jan. 31, at 12:49 pm, a 5-pound, 4.5-ounce girl arrived. I asked NaeDean her name. She hesitated and then said, “How about Kaylee Rae?” NaeDean was in my room for the entire labor and most of the following Saturday.

The morning of Feb. 2, the day of placement, my mom and I took tons of pictures before everyone arrived. At about 11:30 a.m., I felt I was ready for the legal process to begin. The counselor started to read the document aloud to me. I could not fight back the tears. I kept telling myself that Darrin and NaeDean were going to take good care of Kaylee.

Later, in an attempt to describe my emotions, a friend shared hers: “It’s like having someone stick a knife in your heart, slowly turning the knife, while patting you on the back telling you that you are doing the right thing.” That is exactly how I felt!

Still, to this day, I do not regret my decisions at all. Yes, I wish I could have Kaylee here at my house with me. But I know she was meant for Darrin and NaeDean. I gave Kaylee a better life and completed Darrin and NaeDean as a family. And Darrin and NaeDean consider me family, too.

Kaylee will grow up knowing her adoptive parents and her birth family. What more could she ask for?

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Art by Ben Freeman

Ben Freeman turned 7 years old on June 24. He lives in Medford. He is the son of Mark and Susan Freeman and the older brother of Maggie, age 4, also adopted through OA&sFS.

When asked about his favorite activity, Ben replied, “Rollerskating. But right up there with that would be: bowling, baseball, soccer, basketball, swimming, rollerblading, bike riding, skateboarding, kick ball...” I think you get the picture.

Ben is also a very artistic child who coined the word “art-ivity” a few years ago. He loves to draw, color, paint and create new forms of artistic expression.

Ben has grown to understand open adoption throughout his seven years. When Ben was 4 years old, on his way to visit his birthmom on Mother’s Day, he asked, “You mean I have two moms?” When his parents said yes, his response was simply, “Cool!”

He has a close and loving relationship with his birthparents and many of his extended birth family members. Ben knows he is loved because every night at bedtime he and his mom talk about his many family members and how much they all love him.

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2004 Lifegivers Retreat in Review

By Eugene Counselor/Mediator Adrienne van der Valk

Three years ago, the Lifegivers Retreat was first offered to OA&sFS clients in the form of a weekend event facilitated by birthmother activist Brenda Romanchik. The agency wanted to find a way to maintain a yearly tradition of bringing birthmothers together in an atmosphere of support. Our smaller-scale Lifegivers Retreat, now in its second year, offers a day of relaxation, connection, creativity and pampering for women who have placed children in open adoptions.

Birthmoms Amy, Liza and Jenny (left to right)
share photos and stories.

We spent the day lounging, talking, scrapbooking, and eating in a lovely, parlor-style room rented from the First Unitarian Church in downtown Portland. Twelve women attended and, while there were some initial silences, everyone was soon laughing and talking freely. We facilitators heaved a sigh of relief; we knew we had a great group!

Throughout the day, we touched on many subjects, including how and when to identify oneself as a By Eugene Counselor/Mediator Adrienne van der Valk This year’s Lifegivers really benefited from the birthmoms’ broad range of ages, as well as the “ages” of their adoptions. birthparent and the difficulty of working through grief after placement. Then the scrapbooks came out. Everyone brought pictures, and there was much passing around of albums while each woman designed pages upon which to capture her adoption memories.

This year’s Lifegivers really benefited from the birthmoms’ broad range of ages, as well as the “ages” of their adoptions. Each and every person had wisdom and support to share. It was inspiring to see new friendships bloom throughout the day. We heard many goodbyes ending with, “E-mail me!” as we wrapped up after a delicious, post-retreat dinner.

Thank you to the Oregon Social Learning Center and all the adoptive parents who donated to this event. Due to your generosity, we were able to provide many special touches that made the day feel celebratory and relaxing. Most of all, thank you to the birthmothers for sharing your stories and friendship.

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Agency Happenings

Birthfather Brochure Makes its Debut

OA&sFS’ new brochure for expectant fathers considering adoption is available and in distribution throughout the Pacific Northwest. “Fathers Matter: Being Involved in Your Child’s Open Adoption” features photos of four birthfathers and their children, along with quotes from several birthfathers and adoptive parents.

The brochure covers the “why” and “how” of being involved in the open adoption process.

OA&sFS sent brochures and evaluations to all its birthfather clients, as well as to birthmothers and adoptive parents who helped with the project. The feedback has been resoundingly positive.

The brochure was also included in an outreach mailing to 2,000 Oregon and Washington social service agencies, public health clinics and other service providers in early July.

Thank you again to the Collins and Jackson foundations for your financial support of this important project, and to all the wonderful clients who contributed personal stories and insights.

For a copy of the brochure, please contact Development Director Tara Wilkinson at (503) 226-4870 or tara@openadopt.com.

Gay & Lesbian Client Services

OA&sFS established a staff committee early this year to review and evaluate its services to same-sex adoptive parents. The committee was charged with determining how well OA&sFS is meeting the needs and expectations of this important group of clients.

As its first action, the committee sought input directly from gay and lesbian adoptive or waiting parents. About 20 families provided ideas and feedback via phone interviews and written surveys.

The committee is now interviewing birthparents who placed children with same-sex couples.

Clients interviewed thus far have expressed a very high level of satisfaction and confidence in OA&sFS’ services. They say the agency fulfills their most important criteria by welcoming all prospective adoptive parents, whether same-sex couples, straight couples or singles.

Clients have also made many wonderful suggestions for growth and improvement. As a result, the committee is currently working to:

1. Include more gay and lesbian parent stories on the agency’s web site, in publications and in birthparent outreach material.
2. Make all outreach and program materials more visually diverse and inclusive of same-sex couples.
3. Be better advocates for gay and lesbian adoptive parents by providing information and statistics about same-sex parenting to birthparents and other birth family members.

Web Site Changes, New Classified Ads

OA&sFS has also begun changing key elements of its outreach and marketing program.

As many of you know, the agency web site — www.openadopt.com — now includes a slide show of waiting families on its home page. The eye-catching slide show takes you directly to a gallery of small photographs of all OA&sFS waiting families. From there, prospective birthparents can read individual “Dear Birthparent” letters.

The slide show and photo gallery were created in response to strong evidence that more and more birthparents are beginning their search for adoptive parents online. OA&sFS has a large and diverse pool of amazing prospective adoptive parents; we want to showcase this resource as fully and effectively as possible.

OA&sFS also recently began an experimental campaign of placing classified ads in small- to medium-sized weekly newspapers. These ads compete directly with ads regularly placed by attorneys and online groups that match birthparents and adoptive parents (but don’t actually facilitate adoptions).

OA&sFS will run three different ads for eight weeks each in The Source in Bend and the Eugene Weekly. Look for the ads in the back pages, under a variety of headingsincluding “Family Services” and “Miscellaneous.”

Still under consideration are similar ads in Southern Oregon and the Seattle area. At the end of six months, the campaign will be re-evaluated and possibly extended or expanded.