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Winter 2003 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 13, No. 1

Articles:
We Can Do This
Celebrating the Season
Kids' Corner: Teenagers Tell It Like It Is at the Annual Symposium
Adoption Interrupted: Coping with an Interruption
This & That: Open Adoption Announcements & News

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We Can Do This
Leslie Peterson’s adoption story, as told to Lisa Garfield

I have always wanted a child. When I was twelve years old, my parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said, “I want a baby.” They bought me a baby doll, but it wasn’t the same. I’d always planned to grow up and have seven kids. That was my dream, to be a mommy.

It’s a little trickier to be a mommy when you’re lesbian. I didn’t want to parent by myself, although I had reached the point where I was considering it. I have had relationships break up over this issue. So when I met my partner, Sue, one of the first things I said was, “I want kids.” She was ambivalent at first, but I finally convinced her it would be a great thing.

We spent a good three years, a lot of money, and a lot of heartache trying to inseminate — but we never got pregnant. The infertility issue was a mixed thing for me. Part of it was there was no way any child we had was going to be related to both of us. There was always adoption involved because one of us would be adopting a child that was not biologically related. I have always wanted to experience pregnancy, partly because my mom and my sister both loved it; but it never happened. Even if it had been Sue who got pregnant, I could have experienced it with her, seeing the ultrasounds and watching the baby grow. We missed all the wonder of that. It’s not a huge grief, but it is a loss.

It seemed like everyone around us was having babies, and we were having this infertility crisis. By this time, Sue was totally into it, too. It becomes a quest. You sort of want to have children, and then when you can’t, you forget the part about actually having the children and get caught up in how to get a child. We started asking hard questions of ourselves at that point. Do we really want a child? The infertility experience helped us clarify what we wanted.

What we really wanted was a child. So we looked into adoption. We first heard about open adoption from two women at a basketball game who were sitting in front of us with a baby. They told us about Open Adoption and Family Services, so we contacted the agency and started the process of figuring out what open adoption meant. We read books and talked to people who were already involved. We concluded, “We can do this. This is not anything too weird.”

We went to the orientation meeting in May, finished all our paperwork, and entered the pool in September. We waited a year and were beginning to lose hope. Then the phone rang one Saturday morning while I was sewing stockings for my nieces and nephews. All I heard was, “You’ve been chosen.”

The baby was born the night before, to a girl who didn’t even know she was pregnant. He was a surprise to everybody! The birthmother has an incredibly close family, so they were there at the hospital with her. The birthfather was there, too. The family talked about whether they could raise this child or not. Together, they decided it would be better to place the baby with an adoptive family.

We met baby Ben and the birth family that day, and brought him home the next. We didn’t do any big ritual at the hospital. It was hard, because everything happened so fast. They cried. We cried. Then we put Ben in his new car seat, drove home, carried him in and set him on the table. We looked at each other and said, “What have we done?”

Those first few months were tough, trying to juggle work and parenthood. The exhaustion is something no one can explain to you. Both of us worked part-time (which only meant we had to do all the work in half the time) and did a sort of tag-team parenting. Then Sue sold her business to stay home with Ben, and I got a great new full-time job, which works much better for us.

Ben’s birth family is hugely involved in his life. Open adoption is like having in-laws. There are more logistical challenges, just because we now have a much larger family. But my relationship with Ben’s birth family has really enriched my own life. We went into it for Ben’s sake, but I’m in it now as much for me as for him. I remember the day the birth family called to invite us to their Fourth of July family picnic. They said, “Well, you’re family now, so bring something.” That felt good.

Society has been more supportive of our little family than I expected. Most people, after some initial discomfort, are very accepting. We make sure Ben has places where he is happy and comfortable having two moms. And we make sure he has good male role models in his life, men that will be there for him. My brother is really enthused about being Ben’s uncle, and there are some great men in his birth family, too.

Parenting is the biggest adventure of my life. It’s so much harder, in some ways, than anybody ever says, but it’s also so much more amazing. To be a parent is to pull from the deepest roots you have. You really find out who you are. When I first went into this, I thought I wanted a little girl, but now I can’t imagine a girl. I can’t imagine any other child but Ben. He’s perfect. I really love my little boy.

Author Lisa Garfield is the birth-grandmother of Findley. Her book, For Love of a Child: Stories of Adoption, will be available in 2003. To reach her, e-mail lisag895@cs.com.

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Celebrating the Season

OA&FS families gathered in December for holiday parties in Eugene, Portland and Seattle. Thanks to prospective adoptive parents Tamar and Devin Gale, adoptive parents Ann Espo and Steve Tatge, and adoptive parents Polly Nelson and Neil Mann for hosting the celebrations. All clients — prospective and adoptive parents, birthparents and adopted children — were invited. If you missed this year’s party, we hope to see you at the 2003 summer picnic. Below are some photos taken at the Portland and Seattle parties. (We apologize for the lack of Eugene photos. In all the excitement, we forgot to take any!)
 

 

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Teenagers Tell It Like It Is at the Annual Symposium

OA&FS’ second annual symposium, held Oct. 12 near Portland, drew a crowd of 120 birthparents, adoptive parents, adopted children and other agency friends. Panel discussions allowed for heartfelt exchange of adoption stories, advice and wisdom.

The brightest stars of the occasion were — surprise! —THE TEENAGERS.

The six participants on the teen panel, the day’s grand finale, ranged in age from 12 to 15. They were warm, witty and no-nonsense, explaining to the audience that, duh, open adoption isn’t all that hard to understand. Here’s a sampling of what they had to say. Among other things, the teens were asked whether open adoption is difficult or confusing for them.

Adoption doesn’t make me different. It’s just something different about me … I think it’s cool to have my own story. — Zach, 12

As far as I’m concerned, I have two sets of parents — one I live with and call Mom and Dad, and another set I call by their first names, usually … All that matters is that your parents care about and love you. — John, 15

I am not confused. My parents are the people I live with … I see my parents every day. My birthparents I see once or twice a year. — Justin, 13

The children of open adoption aren’t confused about who their parents are. It’s the friends of the children of open adoption who are confused! … There are no “real” parents. There are just sets. — April, 13
 

On the advantages of knowing birthparents:

If I want more information about my birth family, I just call and ask … I have two sets of parents, and they both know a lot about me. — Sarah, 12

I always sort of knew my birthmom. She was always a part of my life. I was raised with the knowledge that I had two moms and two dads. — April

I think it’s a good thing, because you don’t have to wonder who they are or what they’re doing. — Emma, 13

Me and my birthmom are really close. We look a lot a like ... She’s like a really good friend, because we’ve gotten to know each other. — April
 

What if you didn’t know your birthparents?

I’d be really curious, and I’d want to know. If there’s something you could’ve known, but you don’t, it makes you feel really bad. — Emma

Open adoption is the best kind of adoption. (My friends in closed adoptions) want to know a lot of stuff they can’t. — April

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Adoption, Interrupted: Coping with a Disruption
by Sharon Lind

We had been in the waiting pool for just over a month when we were connected with Greg and Terri. As Terri’s due date was less than six weeks away, we moved through mediations I and II quickly. There were moments of struggle, especially for Terri, as we all tried to balance the emotions of the adoption process. In open adoption, there is no place to hide, and one’s emotions are sometimes laid bare for all to see. Knowing that these shared emotions would become our building blocks, we continued to work through differences and develop our relationship. In between our weekend visits, we talked every few days by phone. Finally, with the birth less than a week away, we busied ourselves with last-minute arrangements: preparing our daughter (adopted with the help of OA&FS two years earlier) for the arrival of her new sibling, going over travel plans with our families, and purchasing a few items for the baby.

And then, something wasn’t right. We hadn’t heard from Greg and Terri for several days and we began to imagine various scenarios. No matter how calmly we rationalized the situation, our minds were filled with anxious thoughts. Were Greg and Terri okay? Had the baby come early? Had Terri kept her doctor’s appointment, and what about their agency counseling session? What if they had changed their minds?

Determined to find out, I called the agency. The conversation was brief. Yes, Greg and Terri had kept their appointments. And yes, they were reconsidering their decision to place. Everything became a blur as tears streamed down my face. After a few moments the counselor’s gentle voice broke the silence, “I’m sorry I hadn’t called, but I wanted Greg and Terri to be absolutely certain in their decision. Their next appointment is in a few days. I’ll call you after the session, but at this moment, it does look as if they are 95% sure they will choose to parent.”

Statistically speaking, disruptions occur in only a small percentage of potential adoptions; some say around 10 to 15 percent — and perhaps even less with agencies that provide birthparent counseling. But disruptions do happen. Even to good people and families. And when it happens to you, you begin to question everything. Was it something we said or did, or maybe didn’t say or do? Were there signs that we ignored? How does this happen so far into the process? What if we never get chosen again? The first step toward understanding disruption is simply knowing that it does happen and that it is survivable. Once you recognize that you have not been singled out, you can begin to move through your grieving process and eventually find a place of closure to begin the journey anew.

The Grieving Process

Grieving is an intensely personal experience and everyone approaches it differently. At first I felt a great sense of relief — relief in knowing that Greg, Terri and their baby were okay and relief from simply not knowing. At our first dinner together, we made it very clear to Greg and Terri that this decision was about them and what was best for their baby and family. It was not about us. Regardless of how much they might come to like us or where we were in the process, we wanted them to make the decision that was right for them, and we would respect that decision regardless of its impact on us. Noble words and honestly said, but living up to them proved no easy task, as relief soon gave way to anger. Why hadn’t the agency given the birthparents more counseling in advance of meeting us; why hadn’t any of us seen a disruption coming?

Anger segued into guilt and a feeling of listlessness. Had I not had a toddler on which to focus my energies, I would have felt totally without purpose. Certainly we must have said or done something to offend Greg and Terri? Perhaps this was a sign that we were not meant to be parents, or worse yet, that we were not good enough parents.

Eventually came acceptance. While all my feelings were valid, they were only feelings and nothing more. I came to understand that what I had lost was little compared to what I had gained. For the first time, I was truly able to understand the intense struggle that all birthparents must face when making the decision to place a child for adoption. I came to realize that Greg and Terri were not birthparents, but actually expectant parents facing the most agonizing decision of their lives -- not until their decision was final could they be called birthparents.

Adoption is not just a way to have a child, it is a life-long process. Loss is an inherent part of that process and sometimes that loss is experienced as a disruption.

If you are experiencing a disruption, remember to give yourself permission to experience all of your emotions. Facing anger and depression now allows you to make room in your heart for forgiveness and acceptance later. Grieve in your own way and for the length of time which feels appropriate for you — whether that is quiet time alone or as a couple; buying something special for yourself or your home; taking a long-awaited vacation; eating chocolate pudding for breakfast, lunch and dinner; or simply getting back into the agency waiting pool. Do whatever it takes to move you through the process and to a place of closure.

Finding Closure

I had moved from anger to acceptance, and yet, I still felt I was waiting for a definitive point of closure. As I sat in the empty nursery, which had been hastily finished the week before, I sorted through the recent purchases. In doing so, I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to give this little baby the best start in life — even though I would not be the person known as his mom. I also wanted Greg and Terri to understand that I was not angry at their decision. I felt that they, too, needed to be supported in their journey to parenthood. I carefully wrapped the tiny clothes and included a card wishing them all the best. As I placed the package in the mailbox, I breathed deeply and came to a place of closure. Once back inside, I called the agency again. It was time to get back into the pool, and I would be sending an updated photo page shortly.

As with the grieving process, finding closure is an individual journey. Other families have chosen to light candles in church, make donations to a family aid organization, ask OA&FS for counseling services, or join local adoptive family support groups.

Starting Anew

It was raining heavily as I left for the lunch meeting. I knew I was going to be late. Not the great impression I had hoped to make. What would she think? But at the forefront of my mind was really the question of whether I would be able to give myself openly and emotionally this time. As I pulled into the parking lot, I could see the agency counselor, my husband, and the potential birthmother waiting. The clouds had parted and there was no sign of the squall that had been in the valley. Looking extremely pregnant, Heather gave me a warm smile and a big hug. Immediately my worries began to melt away. My intuition was telling me that this time it was “right.”

We talked for hours, and it felt as if we had always known each other. Five weeks later, the three of us marveled at the tiny hands and feet of our newly born son. Almost three years later, I am still awed by the magic that is adoption. It is a journey filled with both difficult losses and incredible joys, and a depth of understanding that few people ever experience. While our journey has not always been easy, I cannot imagine having done it any other way.

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This & That: Open Adoption Announcements & News

Volunteers Needed: Share Your Experiences
Open adoption presents many opportunities and challenges. OA&FS continually seeks volunteers to share their personal experiences with others in the adoption community.

Opportunities to share are plentiful. Birthparents and adoptive parents are needed to speak at seminars, free information meetings, symposiums and outreach presentations. For writers, contributions to Open Page are encouraged.

Currently, the agency is developing a disruption mentor group. If you have experienced a disruption and are willing to talk to other families going through something similar, please contact Counselor/Mediator Katie Ruprecht Stallman at the Seattle office.

The OA&FS staff wants to stay connected with you — and to connect you with others in our ever-growing open adoption community. So contact us, and together we’ll find an exciting way for you to get more involved.

Outreach Help
OA&FS would like to expand its outreach efforts to include a greater number of faith-based organizations. Previous mailings to churches and other faith groups have yielded few personal contacts and new relationships. If you are a member of a church that would be willing to display OA&FS posters, distribute agency brochures or host a presentation by a counselor, please call Development Director Tara Wilkinson at the Portland office.

Friendly New Faces
Since the last Open Page was mailed in summer 2002, the OA&FS staff has acquired several new members. Seattle welcomed Counselor/Mediator Erika Johansen, MSW, and Outreach Coordinator/Office Administrator Ann Espo in October. Erika and Ann round out the Seattle team led by Counselor/Mediator Katie Ruprecht Stallman.

In September, the Eugene office welcomed Counselor/Mediator Adrienne van der Valk to its happy family. Adrienne is working with Eugene Regional Manager Margaret Godfrey and Office Administrator Meg Schwirtz.

And in Portland, a new Development Director joined the team. Tara Wilkinson started in September.

Wish List
OA&FS’ friends and clients are a great resource. If you, or someone you know, can assist the agency in the following ways, please call Shari or Tara at the Portland office.

• Corporate sponsorship/donations to support new or ongoing agency projects, such as a collaboration-skills workshop, enhanced services for birthfathers, and continuation of the Lifegiver’s Festival.
• Free or discounted meeting space, for 50 to 200 people, for upcoming symposium and Lifegiver’s Festivals.

Doctors Support Gay & Lesbian Adoption
On Oct. 18, 2002, the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) issued a resolution endorsing adoption by same-sex couples. The decision of the 93,500-member group followed the precedent set by similar organizations, such as the American Academy of Pediatrics, which supported same-sex adoption earlier in 2002. The decisions by both groups were met with much controversy.

The Population Association of America estimates that 21.7 percent of lesbian couples and 5.2 percent of gay couples have children. A demographic and market study done in October 2002 by MarketResearch.com found that at least 3 million children live in gay and lesbian households.
 


Seattle Counselor/Mediator Erika Johansen
with Samuel, son of Beth Paros & Dan Boerner.