Open Adoption and Family Services Quarterly Newsletter
Summer 2003 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 13, No. 3
Articles:
Gems from the Open Adoption Pioneers
Exceptional Women
Kids' Corner: Something to be Prod Of
Extended Family by Adoption
Agency Happenings
Adoption in the News
Gems from the Open Adoption Pioneers
By Margaret Godfrey, Eugene Regional Director
I’ve been an adoption counselor for eight years. I’ve been a birth grandmother for even longer, since 1992, when my daughter placed her child through OA&FS. Sometimes I’m tempted to think my open adoption wisdom has reached its max or that I’ve seen it all. But then an experience comes my way that causes me to rethink, reevaluate and reframe my approach to adoption work. An experience that refreshes and inspires.
At the end of April, Executive Director Shari Levine and I traveled to Traverse City, Michigan, to attend the Ninth Biennial Conference on Open Adoption. Traverse City is the hometown of Jim Gritter, one of the pioneers of open adoption as practiced by our agency. He’s the author of The Spirit of Open Adoption, required reading for our adoptive parents. In fact, this conference draws on the combined experience, knowledge and wisdom of many early proponents and groundbreakers of the open adoption movement. Reading the list of presenters was like reading the names of all the authors on my office bookshelf: Patricia Dorner, Children of Open Adoption; Lois Melina, The Open Adoption Experience; Beth Hall, Inside Transracial Adoption — to name a few.
These presenters shed new light on the fortitude and resolve needed to meet the resistance encountered in the early days of open adoption. Several speakers recounted being “booed” off the stage when talking about open adoption to fellow adoption workers. Their inspiring stories gave me new insight about the conviction and vision it takes to change a societal norm.
The conference traditionally hosts philosophical discussions of open adoption — where it came from and where it is going —rather than “how-to” sessions. During the three days of the conference I heard many “gems” that I tried to pocket and bring home to apply to my daily adoption work. I’d like to share some of these gems with you, in hopes they’ll inspire your own thoughts about open adoption.
Jim Gritter boiled down the task of open adoption counselors to this: “To create an environment where people can be good and decent. People entering our doors are looking for an opportunity to do something great.”
This statement resonated powerfully with me, as I am often reminded that this work is really about the awesome people who open their lives and hearts to open adoption. It’s really about the relationships they build for the children of open adoption. As a counselor, I am most helpful when I present ideas and then get out of the way.
Carol Demuth, an adoption worker from Texas, spoke about the 4 “Fs” of adoption: faith, fortitude, flexibility and funny bone. In her view, these are the required qualities for an open adoption to work. She stimulated thought by asking questions: How can adoptive parents help birthparents in grieving? How can birthparents help adoptive parents feel entitled to parent?
She explored the ways the adoption worker can help adoptive families and birthparents look down the road at the life-long relationships they are entering. From the beginning, it’s important to envision the child at 5 years old, at 8, at 12. It’s hard to imagine how the dynamics of the relationship will change as the child becomes more of a participant by growing from an infant to a walking, talking child. But anticipating the changes — the questions the child might ask, the ways visits might change – can be very helpful. Carol’s many years of work in the field give her much insight into the long-term aspects of adoption relationships.
Another presentation that stood out to me was by journalist Lois Melina, who spoke about the “four agreements” (from a Don Miguel Ruiz book by the same name) and their importance to relationships in general and open adoption relationships in particular.
- Be impeccable with your word. An essential part of trust is doing what you say you’ll do, and not agreeing to do anything you can’t or won’t follow through on. Don’t take it personally. We often misinterpret others’ actions, or take an angry comment too personally. This allows us to play the victim role, which definitely gets in the way of a healthy and open relationship. It also affects the loyalty we feel toward others.Don’t make assumptions. Assumptions lead to expectations. “Expectations without true agreement are really premeditated resentments.” Now there’s a gem.
- Always be your best. When is it okay to be rude? Little things really do matter. Trust is like a bank account: Everything we do in a relationship is putting trust in or taking trust out of that relationship.
On the last day of the conference, a discussion panel of children and young adults of open adoption may have made the most lasting impression on many attending the conference, including me. The young people ranged in age from 15 to 23. They sat on the stage with confidence, grace and good humor. They were so capable of fielding our questions, and commenting on their adoptions with ease, that any person involved with adoption couldn’t help but feel the “rightness” of open adoption.
“I can’t imagine my life any other way.”
“No, I’ve never felt mixed loyalty. I am free to love both my biological family and my adoptive family.”
“I love my birth siblings, but I’m glad I was raised in my adoptive home.”
As I mull over my experience at the Traverse City Conference, it occurs to me how often during those three days the word truth was spoken. And as we listened to these young people, we were seeing the result of raising children with the truth about themselves. That’s the most important gem, the gem I hope to never lose sight of in the flurry of adoption work: the powerful truth of open adoption.
Exceptional Women
By Erika Cooper-Desmond, Eugene Office Administrator
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| Birthmom Erika at the Lifegivers Festival |
I spent Birthmother’s Day, May 10, with several amazing women at OA&FS’ second annual Lifegivers Festival at the Collins Retreat Center in Eagle Creek, Oregon. Having missed last year’s festival, I can’t compare the two events. But I can say with enthusiasm that the chance to meet fellow birthmothers was worth the sacrifice of a Saturday and the drive up from Eugene.
I am a birthmother of six-year-old twins, whom I placed through OA&FS in 1997. I heard about the Lifegivers Festival last year, so I was looking forward to going this year. I have not had the chance to talk to many other birthmoms and was excited at the prospect of hearing others’ thoughts and stories.
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| Meg and Erika enjoying their tasty lunch |
It was a great experience to share with other birthmoms and to recognize the ways we are all alike, despite our differences. It was comforting to talk about the loss we share and to have an understanding ear. It was also encouraging to talk about how our birthchildren are progressing, and how proud we are of them and the parents we chose.
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| Marcia being crafty |
Throughout the day there were many emotions and insights shared. It felt good to talk about our experiences, give and get advice and comfort, and know that we were understood. The project I most appreciated was writing a quote or nice thought and tying it to a rose. Each of us left with a wish from another birthmom. The rose is now dried and a nice reminder for me.
I went home from the Lifegivers Festival with a sense of being proud of my decision. I was honored to be among those women who made an amazing choice to share so much love. All of our stories and lives are different, but it was wonderful to share a day with women who are all exceptional.
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| Christine (right) with her birth sister Aurora, 2002 |
Something to be Proud Of
By Christine Bergman
Some people think that kids in foster care have something wrong with them. That’s so not true. I was in foster care when I was 2 years old. People who are adopted who are in foster care are normal just like other kids who live with their biological parents. It's actually something to be proud of.
There's bad and good things about being adopted. Something good is you know that you're living with people that love you and care for you. A bad thing is that you might not get to see your birthparents that much. Like, for me, I don't get to see my birthparents that much, especially my birthmom, because she died last winter.I am glad that I am adopted and I hope you feel the same way.
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Carly, from Tigard, Oregon |
Extended Family by Adoption
By Executive Director Shari Levine & Birthmother Faith Baynes
My dad, Norm Levine, is a very special man. He has touched the lives of many. In fact, his kindness and wisdom have been my main source of inspiration in my work here at OA&FS. In preparation for his 70th birthday celebration last year, my stepmom Peggy invited the people close to my dad to write about their friendship with him. My son Gabriel’s birthmom, Faith, is someone who has been touched by my dad’s generosity. Faith and my dad have visited through the 11 years since Gabriel was born, and I frequently forward her his poems and musings about the world, which he e-mails me regularly. Here is Faith’s birthday message to him:
Adopted …
Who would have known so many years ago that finding Gabriel’s family would expand my own. Yet it has.
Who has adopted who here? The lines get gray with time.
Did I adopt you? I mean, did I know that you were part of the package? Did I understand how much you would enrich my life? You do.
I cherish your e-mails as beacons of clarity and beauty in our arbitrary world.
I sentimentally hang on to books that you and Peggy passed my way as part of some cleaning ritual long ago …
Shari and I gush about what an amazing father you are and it’s all true – every single oozing compliment …
And I love the way you thoughtfully adore your grandkids. It’s a gentle, insightful affection – well aimed and quietly received.
Thank you so much for being born. Thanks for being warm and full of wisdom. Thanks for being constant and known. Thanks for being Shari’s dad.
- Faith
Agency Happenings
Annual Statistics
Can it be true that yet another fiscal year has come and gone?! It’s been an exciting and full 12 months at OA&FS. We are proud to report the following service statistics for the period of July 1, 2002, to June 30, 2003. A more complete look at the numbers will be included in the Fall Annual Report.
- There were 60 adoptions (as opposed to 57 in 2001-2002 and 52 in 2000-2001).
The average wait for adoptive parents was 10.5 months, up 1.5 months from the previous fiscal year.
Eight same-sex couples and two single women adopted.
- Birthfather consent was obtained in 42% of the cases, and 26% of the birthfathers signed contracts for ongoing contact — an exciting increase from the 10-20% birthfather involvement of the previous several years.
Let’s Hear it for Birthfathers
Since early 2003, an OA&FS staff committee has been brainstorming ways to better serve birthfathers and to draw them more meaningfully into the open adoption process.
This quarter, staff continued to interview birthfathers about their experiences — and branched out to interview adoptive parents, too, about the meaning of birthfather involvement.
Insight and quotes from these conversations will be used to write grant proposals requesting support for enhanced birthfather services (such as a new birthfather brochure, specialized training for staff, and pro-birthfather advertising). The anecdotes also will be used when designing counseling materials for birthfathers and a birthfather section of the web site.
Below are some excerpts from the stories told to us by clients.
Birthfathers:
- My son knows I love him; he would be hurt if I wasn’t there. The adoptive parents would be disappointed if I wasn’t part of his life. They’ve laid the groundwork by letting him know where he came from. I followed through by being involved. That makes them happy because it makes my son happy.
- It is very rewarding and healing to play a role. Witnessing the birth of my son and seeing the joy of his adoptive parents was the most powerful, exciting, sad, joyful day of my life.
- I still keep in contact with the adoptive parents, as they do with me. It’s amazing that I will still be able to know my son, and no one can take that away from me … I can watch him grow and develop with the confidence that he is well-loved and provided for. One of the best characteristics of this adoption is that I didn’t lose a family member, I gained many more.
- The friendship my son and his birthfather have answers my son’s questions. It helps him understand himself. They’re pals. As my son grows, he looks more and more like his birthfather. The relationship gives my son a connection to his origins … This has been so valuable for all of us. We’ve benefited and been enriched so much…It has been wonderful to have the birthfather there from the beginning.
- It takes two people to make a child. If one person is not in the picture later on, there’s a part missing. My sons’ birthfather completes the picture … He is a part of who my son is. Without him, there’d always be a gap for my son … My son is closer to his birthfather than to his birthmother. They have a physical connection. They’re always wrestling or tickling each other. My son likes to grab his birthdad’s baseball cap so that he will chase him to get it back … In adoption there’s a shuffled deck; when you have all the cards, you can sort it all out. Without all the cards, the child won’t have answers to his questions.
- Birthmothers may seem front and center as they are the ones who carried the child. But birthfathers are just as front and center. Their love and acceptance of a birthchild is so important to the child. It helps them know themselves and feel good about who they are. By being available and showing an interest, kids feel that love and acceptance.
- My son’s birthfather has a strong sense of responsibility to his relationship with him. He is very clear about wanting him to know how much he cares about him (and our whole family) … Even when he was out of the country for two years, he sent numerous postcards and gifts. My son will always have those to look through to again see how much his birthfather was thinking about him.
Adoptive Parents:
Please call or e-mail the agency if you are willing to share your own birthfather story. (See “Talk to Us” on adjacent page for more info.)
Adoption in the News:
A Quick Look at Adoption-Related Headlines
Adopted Teens Speak Up
Adolescent adoptees who attended the American Adoption Congress’ annual conference in Atlanta this April banded together to write an “Adopted Teen Bill of Rights.” They declared:
- Express our feelings about the adoption experience.
- Express and face fears about searching.
- Access birthparent information before age 18 or 21.
- Want to find, communicate, be connected to birthparents.
- Know the story of our birth and adoption.
- Meet with other adoptees our age regularly.
- Access knowledgeable, professional help (counseling and programs, AAC teen training).
- Have a voice in adoption laws.
- Receive support from our adoptive families for all of the above.
The workshop that led to these important and inspiring declarations was the first adolescent adoptee program in the 25-year history of the AAC conference.
Protecting Birthmother Privacy
Also in April, a Florida Court of Appeals struck down a Florida law that required women to publicize their sexual histories in newspaper ads before placing their children for adoption. The law, intended to ensure due process for birthfathers, might be replaced by a statewide birth registry that would protect the rights of birthfathers without violating birthmother rights to privacy.
Adoption and Self-Esteem
Adoption Quarterly recently published a study showing that adult adoptees who had secure attachments to adoptive parents during their teens reported higher self-esteem and greater life satisfaction. The study, “Predictors for Psychological Functioning and Adoption Experience in Adults Searching for their Birthparents,” by Muller, Gibbs and Ariely, surveyed 345 adoptees who had met or were in the process of meeting their birthparents.
Textbooks Lack Good Information
According to a study published in the Spring 2003 Family Relations journal, college textbooks written between 1998 and 2001 and used for undergraduate family courses provide little or no information on adoption. Moreover, the textbooks include twice as many negative statements about adoption as positive statements.
Obviously, ongoing adoption advocacy and education is sorely needed. OA&FS is committed to influencing societal perceptions about adoption through its outreach program. You can make a difference, too, by modeling positive adoption relationships and dispelling adoption myths that you encounter.
The premier northwest adoption agency completing the most domestic, infant adoptions in Oregon and Washington.
5200 SW Macadam Avenue,
Suite 250
Portland, Oregon 97239
315 West 10th Ave.
Eugene, OR 97401
200 West Mercer Street,
Suite E-508
Seattle, WA 98119
| Oregon: | ||
|---|---|---|
| Portland, OR: | Phone: (503) 226-4870 | Fax: (503) 226-4891 |
| Eugene, OR: | Phone: (541) 343-4825 | Fax: (541) 431-1241 |
| Medford, OR: | Phone: (541) 608-6134 | Fax: (541) 282-8564 |
| Bend, OR: | Phone: (541) 388-2535 | |
| Salem, OR: | Phone: (503) 540-5832 | |
| Washington: | ||
| Seattle, WA: | Phone: (206) 782-0442 | Fax: (206) 782-0578 |
| Vancouver, WA: | Phone: (360) 254-7236 | |
| Olympia, WA: | Phone: (360) 352-3063 | |
