Open Adoption and Family Services Quarterly Newsletter
Spring 2003 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 13, No. 2
Articles:
Company for the Journey
Staci's Story
Unexpected Gifts of Joy: A Grandmother's Tale
Kids' Corner: Introducing Eva Bulick...
Klaus: The Generous Landlord
Agency Happenings
Spring Reader Query
Company for the Journey
By Ann Espo
Adoptive mom Ann has been a staff member in the Seattle office since October 2002. Here she discusses the unexpected friendships that have blessed her open adoption experience.
Adopting our daughter, Lillian Rose, has been the most wonderful thing my husband and I have ever done (besides getting married, of course!) Being a mom is even more fun and rewarding than I hoped it would be. What I hadn’t expected as part of our adoption was finding so many great friends in the open adoption community.
Before our adoption, while we were waiting in the OA&FS pool, we were not very involved with the agency and didn’t attend any events. I think I was too anxious. But very soon after Lily’s arrival, I began to yearn for some company on our adoption journey. Although our friends and family were thrilled about our adoption and (cautiously) supportive of the open adoption philosophy, I wanted to spend time with other parents who were living the experience. I decided to host a gathering for adoptive parents, and put a notice in the OA&FS Bulletin.
What a great afternoon! Four families came to our house with their children, ages 6 weeks to 18 months. Although the idea was to talk about open adoption, everyone was so baby crazy that we spent most of the time admiring the children and boring each other with details about their fascinating uniqueness -- just like parents everywhere. Over the next several months, we had three more gatherings and met more OA&FS families.
I initially thought about the gatherings as a support group, and hadn’t considered that important friendships would grow out of them. But it quickly became clear to me that, thanks to our open adoption experience, we shared a special connection with these families. Who else could compare notes with us about organizing visits with birthparents and celebrating birthdays and holidays, along with the more universal parenting themes of feeding schedules, sleep habits and teething?
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| Lillian with Kathryn's Daughter, Leah, Dec. 2002 |
During the last year, two particular moms and their families have become my very good friends. I first met Beth over the phone when she called in response to the meeting notice. We clicked immediately. In one of those small-world Seattle experiences, it turned out that our parents knew one another back east where we both grew up. Our children were born just days apart in Oregon, and we were both at home with them full-time. We talked for a long time, sharing stories of “the call,” the many trips to Eugene, the emotional intensity of the process, and the overwhelming joy of bringing our babies home and becoming parents. Since that first phone call, Beth and I and the children have seen one another often, with lots of phone calls in between. We’ve shared first birthdays, first teeth, first steps, first words and everything in between. I feel very fortunate that we’ve found one another. Our kids are at such an exciting age, with changes coming almost daily, and it’s wonderful to have someone to share the excitement with.
I met Kathryn and her daughter Leah (adopted in June 2001) when they came to that first gathering, and I instantly knew she would become a friend. Kathryn works full-time and has a busy teenage daughter, so we don’t see each other often; instead we stay in touch via email and have managed a couple of lunches together and a family gathering during the holidays. Kathryn is like a childhood or college friend; even when lots of time passes between seeing each other, we can just pick up where we left off. I know if I need her support or feedback, she’s there. And now that I’m working part-time, it’s especially nice to have someone to talk to about managing that balancing act!
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| Samuual and Lillian October 2002 |
Beth and Kathryn (and their husbands, too) are people I would enjoy under any circumstance, but our shared adoption experience deepens our friendship in a special way. I trust them to listen to my hopes and fears with empathy and understanding, and I can’t imagine experiencing this first year of our adoption without them. I hope our children will feel the same bond as they grow, and turn to one another as their parents have when they need a sympathetic and supportive ear. I encourage all of you to connect with other adoptive families, regardless of where you are in the process. I feel sure that you and your children will be glad you did!
There are OA&FS families living in most areas of Washington and Oregon; your counselor can help put you in touch with families that live near you. If you are interested in hosting an adoptive family gathering in your home, please contact Tara Wilkinson. We publish details of the gatherings in the monthly Bulletin and on our web site.
Staci's Story
By Erik Bergman, OA&FS Board of Directors
The red light flashed on our phone machine. I played the message three times to be sure I’d heard it right: “Did you hear about Staci? If not, my condolences.” Staci, our daughters’ birthmother, had died in her sleep at age 30. Staci lived on the ragged edge of street society. She endured domestic violence, drug abuse, prison time, homeless shelters and suicide attempts. At the time of her death she was seeking help in a residential treatment center. She went up to her room one night and never came down.
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Staci and Christine, August 1991 |
The newspaper obituary spelled her name wrong and mentioned no children among her survivors. In fact, children were the most notable truth of her life. She had three by age 19 and seven in all. Five adoptive families are raising them.
My wife, Susan, and I first met Staci when we signed the papers at Open Adoption & Family Services that brought 3-year-old Christine out of foster care and into our family. Staci’s bright smile was shaded by sadness. She quietly shared her hope that her daughter would go places she’d never been. She was already six months pregnant with her next child, a girl to be named Jamie whom we’d soon call our own.
Staci loved her kids as much as any mother could. Her first question to us was always, “How are the girls?” She couldn’t raise them any more than she could save herself. Her death was the death of hope — hope that she’d recover, hope that she’d be happy, hope that her kids could know her better.
As a family memorial we lit candles for Staci at the dinner table. The four of us told one thing we liked about her and one thing about her that made us mad, because anger swirled in our sadness. She loved to play on park swings; she didn’t phone enough. She knew she was sick; she didn’t stop drinking. She loved us; she didn’t keep promises.
Staci’s gifts to us were two strong, beautiful daughters who’ll explore a world she never knew. Because of open adoption they’ll grow up knowing some of their siblings. They know the truth about how their birthmom lived and died, although that’s a hard truth for young hearts to hold. They know they can take a different path from hers and understand that every life, however flawed, can bring beauty into being.
Unexpected Gifts of Joy: A Grandmother's Tale
By Lisa Garfield
My grandson’s mother and I were at a scrap-booking retreat. We were each sorting pictures of our sons. Joell had spread out pictures of Findley, her first son and my first grandson. Next to her, I sorted photos of my oldest son, Garrett. I couldn’t help but proudly point out to the other women how cute and wonderful Findley was. When Joell left the room for a snack, another woman commented, “It’s so nice you could be here with your daughter-in-law.” I looked at her blankly. “No, no, Joell is just my friend – we’re not actually related.” It was her turn to look blank. “My son, Garrett, is Findley’s birthfather,” I explained. Joell is Fin’s adoptive mother.” She never did quite get it.
When Garrett called from college to tell me that Katherine was pregnant, I was stunned. My husband and I had breathed a sigh of relief just two weeks earlier when we had shipped him off to school. We thought we were finally through with the years lost to drugs, sex, and hard metal rock and roll. We were tired. We were hopeful for Garrett’s future. The news of impending fatherhood was not welcome.
Katherine called next. She was still in town, while Garrett was far away in Hawaii. Her own mother lived out of state, so it fell to me to be her “local support.” We talked about options. From the beginning, I told both of them, “This is your baby. This is your decision. You need to talk to each other until you come to an agreement about what to do. We will support you, no matter what.”
Meanwhile, I was sorting out my own feelings. I have always been a proponent of adoption. My youngest brother is adopted, and my husband and I had just adopted a daughter from Guatemala and were in the process of looking to adopt another. As a matter of fact, that was my first thought: “Could this be our baby?” I broached the subject with Katherine and Garrett, but none of us felt right about it. This was not our baby. So whose was it?
Garrett and Katherine came to agree that placing their child for adoption was the best thing to do. Katherine went to Hawaii to join Garrett and to work out a plan. They worked with an attorney on a closed adoption and even chose a family. But I could tell Katherine was not comfortable with the plan. At six months pregnant, she came home to start over, while Garrett stayed to finish the semester.
Katherine was the one who found Open Adoption and Family Services. With her characteristic passion and determination, she had researched all the options and decided that open adoption would be best for everyone. I was skeptical, because I had had such good experiences with closed adoptions. But it made sense. It made sense especially for the child. And all along, the sole objective of all of Findley’s birth family was to do right by this child. There arose in me an unexpected hope and a joy that had been missing from the experience so far. I could know my grandchild. I could participate in his life.
As Garrett’s proxy, I helped Katherine search for a family. “I like these people—Hans and Joell,” she said, as we looked over profiles. We checked them out and called Garrett with our report. Katherine and Garrett agreed to place their child with Hans and Joell.
Early one winter morning, Findley was born, literally surrounded in a circle of love. His birthparents were there, his adoptive parents, both birth grandmothers, and his birth great-grandmother. I was so excited for Hans and Joell, because I know how it feels to welcome an adopted child into your life. I knew this was a good adoption plan. I knew they would be good parents. I knew Garrett and Katherine would be better off without a child to care for. So I was unprepared for the tremendous sense of loss that swept over me as I held that little baby, knowing I had to let him go.
It’s still there, four years later, that little ball of grief in my gut. But what unexpected gifts of joy have come, as well. Hans and Joell have become my good friends. Katherine and Garrett are doing amazing things with their lives. Findley is a healthy, happy, incredibly gifted boy. I should know; he’s my grandson! Lisa Garfield’s book, For Love of a Child: Stories of Adoption, will be released this fall. To contact her, e-mail lisag895@cs.com
Introducing Eva Bulick...
I was born in Eugene, Oregon, in 1989, and adopted when I was about two hours old.
My birthmother was 15 when she gave birth to me. I have some regret about being born to a mother that young, mostly because I sometimes feel we are too close in age. Most of my friends’ parents are a lot older than she is. But in some ways it’s good, because we like the same things sometimes, like music and shoes.
When I was born my birthmother put pictures of me all around her house. Her sister would cry when she came over because she had given up her own first child to a closed adoption. And when she saw my birthmother’s pictures she got sad about not knowing where her child was. And so my birthmother told us that she was happy to know where I was and to know that she could call us to see how I was doing.
I miss not knowing my birthfather. My birthmother told my adoptive family not to get to know him, because she did not have a good relationship with him. I met him only once, when I was really young.
I know that because I was adopted, I have many more opportunities to do very wonderful things like singing than I would have had otherwise. I love to sing. I was in ORS (Oregon Repertory Singers) for about 4 to 5 years. I was brought up around all different wonderful types of music.
I speak Spanish and English; my grandparents from my birth family side only speak Spanish, so I learned how to speak it too. Because my grandparents are from Mexico and they wanted me to get to know my Mexican roots, I have been to Mexico two times. While I was in Mexico, I realized I know more Spanish than I thought. I might go back this summer with some friends on a school-based trip to learn even more.
Right now in my school we are learning a lot about our heritage and finding ourselves, and when we do this I am glad to know my birth relatives and that information about my birth family is not being hidden.
It’s important for people to know their true roots and not be told a lie about their real birthparents. With my closed adoption friends, I don’t find myself talking about adoption. But with my open adoption friends, we talk about it freely. I think the reason I talk to my open adoption friends more is because I sort of feel sorry for my closed adoption friends, since they don’t know their birthparents. I realize it might be a sensitive subject for them.
My best friend was also adopted through open adoption. We have gone through pre-school, middle school and now high school together. I hope we can keep a close relationship throughout life. I also have a lot of other friends who have been adopted, some not through open adoption.
Last year I went up to Eugene to go to my birth grandfather’s funeral. I felt very welcomed and part of the family. It was a very sad time, because I was close with my grandfather. But also it was nice being there, because I got to see my birth family, which I hadn’t seen for a while.
I feel very lucky to have two sets of families that care so much about me.
14-year-old Eva lives in Portland.
Klaus: The Generous Landlord
By Counselor/Mediator Katie R. Stallman
Some of the prospective birthparents served by Open Adoption & Family Services are experiencing extreme stressors. Homelessness, joblessness, and health issues can contribute additional heartache to the already painful situation of an ill-timed or unintended pregnancy. Counselors at this agency are committed not only to helping prospective birth parents make healthy choices about parenting or adoption, but also to helping them mobilize all their resources to create a better life for themselves in general.
Stable and affordable housing, again and again, proves to be a significant barrier for many in obtaining self-sufficiency and security. When a prospective birthparent makes a choice to plan an adoption, the potential adoptive family can provide financial resources to assist in securing stable housing. Many people may think this will solve the problem. Wrong! Poor credit history, past evictions, unstable job history, or a previous bankruptcy usually make landlords unapproachable.
“What about shelters?” you may ask. There aren’t any beds available! (At least that is what I hear consistently in the Greater Puget Sound area.) I have spent countless hours on the phone singing the praises of my clients to prospective landlords in hopes of finding somebody with a soft heart, somebody willing to rent to a woman in a temporary crisis. Most recently, when trying to help a homeless client secure housing, I was laughed at, hung up on, or essentially ignored. My client fared even worse than I in her own search, and was ready to spend the remainder of her pregnancy in a motel.
Then we found Klaus.
Klaus Kerl, owner of Accord Management, was immediately receptive to renting to someone in a tough spot. Originally from Bavaria, Germany, Klaus is a person who still believes people will try hard and work hard if just given a chance. He has been a property manager for more than 30 years and has been both owner and manager of Accord Management in Seattle’s U-District for the past 15 years. He owns eight different buildings with a total of 85 units.
What makes Klaus willing to take a risk on a person when seemingly no other landlords will? “I don’t like to generalize about people,” Klaus said. “I treat each person as an individual. In my experience, people with financial difficulties will do the best they can. Most people are not given the opportunities they need, and therefore are not allowed to show people what they are really capable of. I take risks, but I have not been disappointed yet.”
Thanks to Klaus, the client I called him about has a stable place to spend the remainder of her pregnancy, recover physically and emotionally following her delivery, and begin the next steps toward self-sufficiency. Stable housing will have a profound impact on her ability to improve her life.
It is my hope that spreading word of Klaus’ optimism will encourage more property owners and managers to take a risk every once in a while. Open adoption is really all about risk, if you think about it. Birthparents and adoptive parents take substantial emotional risks every day in forming and maintaining their relationships based on the needs of the child. It does appear that the more risks people are willing to take, the greater the rewards for the child and the relationship.
I thought Klaus summed it up nicely, “The more love you give, the more you get back.”
Thanks, Klaus.
If you know of any property managers willing to rent to people with poor credit histories or other rental barriers, please call an OA&FS counselor/mediator in your area.
Agency Happenings
Lifegivers Festival 2003
Open Adoption & Family Services will host its second annual Lifegivers Festival for birthmothers on May 10, Birthmothers Day. The six-hour retreat will be held at Collins Retreat Center in Eagle Creek, Oregon (about 35 miles southeast of Portland). The center is a cozy, rustic facility nestled among mossy trees. Balconies and patios overlook the grounds and miles of peaceful trails.
Launched last year as part of the agency’s “Building Open Adoption Community in the 21st Century Project,” the Lifegivers Festival is designed to honor and support birthmothers. Last year’s inaugural event was a three-day festival facilitated by a nationally known open adoption expert. This year’s retreat will be even better — smaller and more intimate, facilitated by OA&FS birthmothers and staff. The agenda includes games, a buffet lunch and group discussions to focus on successfully navigating the ups and downs of growing and maturing open adoption relationships.
Invitations to the free retreat were mailed to all birthmothers in March. If you did not receive an invitation — or forgot to sign up — please call Development Director Tara Wilkinson. Space is limited, so please call now!
OA&FS Client Survey Update
A big thank you to all adoptive parents, birthparents and children who participated in the client survey conducted at the end of 2002 and the beginning of 2003.
The project, designed and administered by student and professional volunteers, focused on many factors, including but not limited to: children’s levels of emotional intelligence, levels of openness and collaboration in the adoptions studied, and overall reported satisfaction with adoption relationships.
About 90 adoptive parents, 40 birthparents and 40 children participated in the study. The collected data is being evaluated by the Oregon Social Learning Center. We will pass on the findings of this exciting, important and groundbreaking research in the summer Open Page.
Expanding Birthfather Services
Since early 2003, an OA&FS staff committee has been brainstorming ways to better serve birthfathers and to draw them more meaningfully into the open adoption process.
Two birthfathers have met with Executive Director Shari Levine to share their stories, feelings and suggestions for improved, more inclusive services. In lieu of a formal birthfather focus group — geographically prohibitive because agency birthfathers are scattered throughout the Pacific Northwest and the rest of the country —OA&FS staff will soon call several birthfathers to solicit their input and point of view on the adoption experience.
In another effort aimed at better serving birthfathers, agency counselors have enacted a new policy of inviting birthfathers for one-on-one counseling sessions before or during the mediation process, as appropriate.
The agency is also researching birthfather-specific counseling materials, and plans to create a brochure for birthfathers (similar to the popular and effective birthmother brochure). The agency will seek grants throughout the spring and the summer to support these expanding birthfather services.
The premier northwest adoption agency completing the most domestic, infant adoptions in Oregon and Washington.
5200 SW Macadam Avenue,
Suite 250
Portland, Oregon 97239
315 West 10th Ave.
Eugene, OR 97401
200 West Mercer Street,
Suite E-508
Seattle, WA 98119
| Oregon: | ||
|---|---|---|
| Portland, OR: | Phone: (503) 226-4870 | Fax: (503) 226-4891 |
| Eugene, OR: | Phone: (541) 343-4825 | Fax: (541) 431-1241 |
| Medford, OR: | Phone: (541) 608-6134 | Fax: (541) 282-8564 |
| Bend, OR: | Phone: (541) 388-2535 | |
| Salem, OR: | Phone: (503) 540-5832 | |
| Washington: | ||
| Seattle, WA: | Phone: (206) 782-0442 | Fax: (206) 782-0578 |
| Vancouver, WA: | Phone: (360) 254-7236 | |
| Olympia, WA: | Phone: (360) 352-3063 | |
