Open Adoption and Family Services Quarterly Newsletter
Winter 2002 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 12, No. 1
Articles:
Looking Back at the Symposium
Yearbook Published
Lifegivers Festival
Announcements
Building Healthy Relationships
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Gail, Steve and Ari |
Looking Back at the Symposium
by Gail Kempler
When reflecting on the adoptive parent symposium that was held last June, a smile comes to my face. I continue to be grateful for the trust that it has inspired in me. Open adoption is a process; it is exactly what it says – open. Some of the dictionary definitions of open include: “not impeding or preventing passage; not covered over; not clogged; and empty, or nearly so, of obstruction to passage or view.”Our journey in adopting our beautiful son Ari Isaac has been a story of tender and sweet love that has blessed my husband Steve and I with more gifts than we could ever have imagined. Ari has filled our lives with an unconditional love that outshines any preconceived limits. In choosing open adoption, Steve and I knew we would be embarking on a somewhat unique, non-conventional form of raising a family. We read books, spent time with a family that was formed through open adoption and spoke with Open Adoption & Family Services. Yet, we had not met any families who had long-term open adoption commitments. We had not encountered or spent time with people who could testify to the different types of relationships that might evolve with birthparents over time. We also had not heard children speaking openly and clearly about their journeys in life in an open adoption.
When our adoption counselor told us we had been picked by our birthparents, we were thrust into the magic, uncertainty and tornado-like intensity of wondering if this was it. Was our child really here? Could this miracle be true? Our hearts moved to embrace this incredible gift with the greatest faith and trust we could generate in the midst of our fears about how this would play out. We went through some very sweet and some quite challenging and difficult times with our birthparents. Over time, by being so busy and stretched with new parenthood, we got worn down some. I noticed myself feeling a bit more reactive to our birthmom’s process of grieving. I had my ideals of how I wanted and hoped it would go. I found myself making negative projections into the future, but not being able to keep the deeper and more whole picture in mind. I forgot that we would have the rest of our lives to develop our relationship with the birthparents, and that, like our child, it was in its most delicate stage of infancy.
Before attending the symposium, some places in my heart and mind were bogged down in my own struggles to keep up with the rigors of new parenting and the work of developing a real intimacy with our birthparents. My view was obstructed. I was not accessing my tools and resources to keep me connected to the definition of “open” that I presented in the beginning of this article. When we use our tools, resources and support networks to stay in the moment, the veils that cloud our view can open and we can access the wider picture, the greater expanse and depth of our wondrous journey.
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Steve, Bridget and their daughter Natalie |
The symposium came at a perfect time. I found my wonder, faith and trust recharged and reengaged in even stronger ways than before. In witnessing all the different testimonies at the symposium, I was struck by the importance of staying connected to the process as it evolves moment by moment. It is about releasing how my ego thinks it should be, and being with how it actually is. It is about being committed to the long haul, and knowing that no matter what happens, there is a gift of growth for us all in the hard times, as well as the good. Often we realize that some of the greatest gifts were reaped during the most difficult times. I was struck by the strength, groundedness and centeredness of the children who spoke at the symposium. I felt that the truth open adoption offers had set them free to be comfortable with who they are. They do not have to spend time agonizing over their genetic roots because that truth has always been open and accessible to them. I especially valued the realness of hearing these children speak of their love relationships with their adoptive parents and with their birthparents. Neither excluded the other. There is so much love to go around. Some of the children had developed very passionate extended families between child, birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptive and birth grandparents.
After the symposium, like after a good meditation session or time spent from the heart with a good friend, my commitment to staying open, compassionate and forgiving of all of our vulnerable humanness was restored. Steve and I left feeling blessed to hold a sacred bond to our child. I felt clear about how important it is to find creative ways to remain connected to the blessing of open adoption, in the hard times as well as the good.
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Ralph Merwin and daughter Natalie, and Howard Lanoff and daughter Maia at the Portland party |
We do not have a lot of role modeling in the general public. Many people I encounter do not even know what open adoption is. So, I feel grateful for the places and people that can help to support this great journey and help spread the word and the work. We called our birthparents a few days after the symposium and felt the magic of their clear response to the renewed opening of our hearts. Their response was right there. I know that at the root of it all, we, the adoptive parents and they, the birthparents, remain committed to the highest good of our child Ari Isaac. Now I value what it is to grow beyond my own limits of conditioned thinking regarding what it means to be a family. The relationships described at the symposium are certainly supportive of the idea that it can take a village to raise a child. My view of late is the more people to love a child the better.
During these difficult times after September 11th, I think we are all being moved to consider what really matters in our lives. What is of real importance and value? How do we want to serve our world to make it better for our children and for all people? Open adoption has inspired me to go beyond so many of my conditioned responses. It has helped me to truly become more of a world citizen – crossing boundaries of culture, crossing boundaries on genetics, etc. I have become more compassionate and tolerant in times of perceived difficulties and disappointments. I have learned that there are new a
nd exciting ways of choosing life that may initially seem scary, difficult and unconventional, but that reveal great wisdom and gifts. I thank those who have pioneered open adoption and did not settle for the old ways of adoption. They have helped to shed a shining light on the lives of many. The open adoption symposium helped that light grow even brighter!
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At the Eugene holiday gathering, families celebrated their adoptions with a tribute cake. Here they are blowing out the candles. |
Yearbook Published
The dedication to the first Open Adoption & Family Services yearbook, which was published in October, honors the children of open adoption:
“This yearbook is lovingly dedicated to the children of open adoption. May the gifts of their open adoption follow them through life.”
The families included in the yearbook submitted entries for 46 children. In addition to being a keepsake for these families, the yearbook will be used to illustrate open adoption relationships to prospective adoptive parents, to women who are planning adoptions, to family members of prospective adoptive parents and birthparents, and during outreach presentations to medical, social service and education professionals.
The yearbook is available for $15. To purchase a copy, email us.
Lifegivers Festival
Due to the September 11 tragedies, the Lifegivers Festival for birthmothers, which was scheduled for September 20-23, 2001, will be conducted on May 16-19, 2002 at the Still Meadow Community meeting facility in Estacada, Oregon (20 miles from downtown Portland, very close to I-205). The conference will begin at 6:30 p.m. on Thursday, May 16 and finish at 11 a.m. on Sunday, May 19. Sleeping accommodations and meals will be provided for participants. The retreat includes workshops and discussion groups, all focused on being a birthmother in an open adoption.
Brenda Romanchik, the retreat facilitator, is the birthmother of a 16-year old son, placed at birth. Since her son’s birth, she has become one of the leading national educators on birthparents and open adoption. She is truly an inspiration to everyone involved in adoption. Although Brenda has conducted Lifegivers Festivals in numerous locations nationwide, this is the first one in the Northwest.
Due to generous donations from supporters of OA&FS, birthmothers who placed children through OA&FS will be invited to attend the retreat at no cost. (The fee for other birthmothers is $250.)
The birthmothers who were registered for the September retreat will be given first preference for May. We have a waiting list of birthmothers. If you or someone you know would like to be on the waiting list, please call Diana at the Portland office.
Announcements
Correction
Dee Wise was not included on the list of contributors in the 2000/2001 Annual Report. Our thanks and apologies to Dee.
Adoption TODAY
Adoption TODAY is always seeking accomplished writers and adoption/child/parenting professionals who have an adoption story or perspective to share with their readers. If you wish to know more, visit the Writer’s Guidelines on their Web site at www.adoptinfo.net.
Looking for gifts?
Check out these Web sites: www.r2press.com and www.adoptshoppe.com
Building Healthy Relationships
by Katie Ruprecht, Counselor/Mediator
Last year, Open Adoption & Family Services distributed an adoptive parent survey. An overwhelming majority of adoptive parents reported high levels of satisfaction with their adoptions and with their open adoption relationships. The level of satisfaction was high whether or not the adoptive parents and birthparents faced difficult issues. Most adoptive families reported tremendous success in creating fulfilling relationship s with birth families. However, we wanted to address the relationships that were marked by challenges. This article, written by Counselor/Mediator Katie Ruprecht, explores the dynamics of adoptive parents building relationships with birthparents who are/were struggling.
Anecdotal and scientific research continues to tell us that children of open adoption have a stronger sense of who they are, as compared to their closed adoption counterparts. We have learned that adoptive children need to know their birthparents in order to create a healthy sense of identity. When this need is met, adoptees do not have fantasies about their birthparents because they know them as real people. Though there can be challenges in an open adoption for both birth and adoptive families as they build and maintain healthy relationships, the children tell us it is well worth it.
Several OA&FS families were willing to share their thoughts and wisdom about building healthy relationships. Though each story and family was unique, there were commonalities.
1) The child’s needs always guide the relationship. The goal is to help the child build a secure identity and healthy sense of self-esteem.
Several families shared concerns about how much information to give to their child about particular details of the birthparents’ lifestyle. For example, if the birthparent is struggling with substance abuse or is involved in unhealthy relationships, adoptive families may wonder which details to share with their children. Our families tell us that kids need to know what is important to them at that time. If they have a question, answer it honestly in a developmentally appropriate way, while still affirming the importance of, and respect for, the birth family.
2) Open adoption gives parents the opportunity to carry out their values: generosity, compassion, trust and respect.
Adoptive families recognize that their personal beliefs help them to build relationships with birthparents in the same way they develop relationships with other important people in their lives. For example, an adoptive mother of two teens shared the histories of both birthmothers – one abused drugs and the other struggled with alcoholism and some criminal behavior. When the adoptive mother was asked how she and her husband coped with these challenges she stated, “I am a people person who is very giving and open and my husband has a very clear sense of what is right and wrong. We knew, no matter what, that providing contact for our children with their birthparents was the right thing to do, regardless of their problems.” This mother is thankful that she, her husband and their children have very strong relationships with their birthmothers.
3) Boundaries are important, but they can’t be so firm that the relationship doesn’t have room to grow and change.
Open adoption relationships are as important and meaningful to adoptive families as their relationships with their friends and families of origin. Adoptive parents may find themselves setting boundaries with birthparents in the same way they would with any friend or family member who is struggling. For example, one adoptive family wanted to help a financially struggling birthmother by purchasing a car for her and helping her find stable employment. However, they realized these were their goals for her, and that the birthmother needed to make these things happen on her own.
Another adoptive family, who lives several hours from the birth family, understands that the birthparents cannot afford to make long distance calls or pay for transportation, so they buy phone cards and bus tickets. However, when the birthparents asked for money at the end of the last visit, the adoptive parents identified a clear boundary by telling the birthparents, “It is not a good idea to lend you money, because in our experience, it tends to complicate relationships.” At the same time, the adoptive parents made it clear they wanted to continue building a healthy relationship with the birth family.
4) Every birthparent has intrinsic value. They deserve the adoptive parents’ respect and good will even when the birthparents make life choices that differ from those of the adoptive parents.
Several families noted the importance of separating the person from the behavior. All of us know people or are related to someone who makes choices we wouldn’t, but we can still value and appreciate them. Although the birthmother of one adoptive family who was interviewed uses drugs, they do not feel differently about her. They stated, “She is part of the family now. When other family members have problems, you just deal with it. This is no different. She is still a wonderful person.”
Another adoptive family, a male couple, is in mediation with birthparents who previously chose to live on the streets. The birthparents have tattoos and piercings and likely will go back to living on the streets once the placement occurs. The adoptive parents respect their choices and believe they can connect with them on many other levels. For example, they all share the same quirky and wacky sense of humor. One adoptive parent said, “They have chosen to live their lives a certain way with respect and dignity, and they appreciate that we, as a gay couple, have chosen to do the same thing.”
The philosophy of open adoption may not always provide clear answers to every issue or problem that we face. We might even make mistakes. But it is an accepting and welcoming mindset that guides and nurtures adoptive families in meeting the ongoing developmental and emotional needs of the child.
Special thanks to the families who shared their wisdom for this article.
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Eugene, OR 97401
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| Medford, OR: | Phone: (541) 608-6134 | Fax: (541) 282-8564 |
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| Seattle, WA: | Phone: (206) 782-0442 | Fax: (206) 782-0578 |
| Vancouver, WA: | Phone: (360) 254-7236 | |
| Olympia, WA: | Phone: (360) 352-3063 | |
