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Summer 2002 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 12, No. 3

Articles:
A Birthfather's Story
Second Annual Symposium
First Lifegivers Festival in the Pacific Northwest
Clients' Stories
Announcements

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Cody, Mitchell, and Jenipher

A Birthfather's Story
by Cody Davis, as told to Lisa Garfield

Lisa Garfield, adoptive grandmother and author is writing a book about adoption. This is one of the stories that will be included.

Jenipher was 16 and I was 18 when we found out she was pregnant. I didn't know what we were going to do, because we weren't stable. We were living at her mom's house and I was working at McDonalds. So it was not a good situation.

We both agreed that abortion was not an option, and I didn't feel comfortable just giving up the child and never knowing any more about what was happening in his life, so at the time, we decided we would keep him. I got a second job delivering pizza, trying to make enough to support us. It was scary, though, because it wasn't enough.

One day I came home to find Jennifer all excited about a program she had seen on Oprah about open adoption. She said to me, "We've always thought there were only two options -- abortion or keeping the baby. Well, here's a third option."

She was already seven months pregnant, so we had to hurry. It only took us a week and a half to contact Open Adoption and Family Services and to fill out the paperwork. Then we looked through the book of prospective parents. We were pretty picky about the parents and the situation that we wanted for our child.

One couple really stood out from the rest, so we decided to meet them. I wasn't sure what open adoption was going to belike, and it still felt like I would be losing the baby. My biggest concern was, "How do we know these people are what they say they are?" So when we met Mike and Mary Alice, we were relieved to find them very open and honest. Before that first meeting, Jenipher and I had worked out certain hand signals to alert each other if something felt wrong or suspicious. But we never had to use them. When our counselor asked if we would like to talk privately, we just looked at each other and knew. I said, "No, I don't need any time." And Jenipher said, "We're ready. Where do we sign?"

We wrote up a contract, which was pretty scary to me. Mary Alice assured me, "Trust me, we probably won't even stick to it. You put in whatever you want." As it turns out, that contract has meant absolutely nothing in terms of our relationship over the past ten years. We've just worked everything out between us, like friends.

We had talked about having Mike and Mary Alice at the birth, but we decided against it, figuring this would be the only time that the child was actually ours. It was exciting to be there for my son's birth. At that precise moment, I wasn't sure I was making the right choice. I knew it was right for the child, but I wasn't sure that it was right for me. But we chose adoption for the sake of the child, not for us. We knew we weren't stable ourselves, so how could we bring a third person into the mix and expect that to make us stable?

The day after the birth was actually the hardest. The reality of it all began to sink in. Jenipher had just given birth, yet we went home without a baby. When we got home, we both got in the shower and just stood there and cried for half an hour.

Jenipher had decided that she didn't want to see the baby that first year, because she thought it would be too hard. That's not how I felt, but I respected her feelings as the birth mother. But when the baby, Mitchell, was three months old, Jenipher called Mary Alice and said, "I need to see him."

We met in a park. When I first saw my son, there were tears of joy in my eyes because he looked so healthy and I saw how they were taking care of him. At that point, I knew I had made the right choice. I had wondered, up until then. That first visit made me really happy. I felt a lot more at peace about the whole thing.

Because we chose such great parents for our son in the very beginning, there really haven't been any major challenges along the way. There may be some hard moments coming up, as Mitchell moves into adolescence. He may ask, "Why did you give me up for adoption and not my brother and sister?" (Jenipher and I eventually married and had two more children.) I'll simply tell him, "We couldn't provide for you the way your parents have. It's not that we love you any differently. It was purely situation and timing." It was such a hard thing for us to do, but I hope he understands that we did it because we love him.

It never occurred to me to run. I figured, "It takes two to create a life, and I'm as responsible as she is." And that's what I'd like to tell other birth fathers: don't run. Things are never as bad as they seem. If you stick around and see it through, things get better. Sure, it's hard, but some of the greatest joys of my life have come through this experience. It's not just that Mitchell is a person now, it's what we were able to provide for someone else. There's no greater gift than to give the gift of life to someone, and to give that child a family that can provide everything a child needs. So I would not change a thing. There's too much joy at stake.

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Second Annual Symposium

We are delighted to announce that the second annual symposium will include a panel of teens sharing their perspectives on open adoption. The rest of the day will be devoted to small group discussion of several topics that were selected from responses to a recent survey of adoptive parents and birthparents. A special thanks to everyone who responded to the survey!

During the symposium, children and teens will have the opportunity to participate in adoption-related activities. A highlight of the day is sure to be their presentation to the group!
 

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First Lifegiver's Festival in the Pacific Northwest
by Jen Dygert, Counselor/Mediator

The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption

Once there were two expectant mothers.
One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart.
She became your Birthmother.
The other carried the hope of you within her.
She became your Mom.
As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger,
Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after your birth.
Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.


One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other.

They looked into each other's eyes and saw a friend.
Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you.
Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.

They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life.

So now you have two families;

One by birth, the other by adoption.

And you have a home where you can get:

your questions answered,

your booboos bandaged,

your heartaches soothed,

And much needed hugs.

And a place where you can find:

answers to your questions,

your image in the mirror,

a part of yourself,

And much needed hugs.

Two different kinds of families
Two different kinds of love
Both a part of you.

Brenda Romanchik, 1999

We gathered together at the Still Meadow Community Retreat on the weekend after Birthmother's Day to honor our legacies of birthing and placing for adoption. The Lifegiver's Festival was sponsored by Open Adoption and Family Services, and facilitated by Brenda Romanchik, a birthmother who placed her son for adoption 17 years ago in Michigan. Her adoption counselor was Jim Gritter, author of "The Spirit of Open Adoption". Brenda has written many material son open adoption, and hosts a biannual conference for professionals and families in open adoption. This year's conference was in Huntington Beach, California on June 21 and 22. For more information on Brenda's materials and conferences, you can visit her website at www.openadoptioninsight.org.

At our Lifegivers Festival, there were 25+ birth mothers, with histories of adoption dating back 1 to 17 years of open adoption. Mine was the only closed adoption, 33 years ago. Still Meadow was all that a retreat should be. It was a nurturing spot that nourished the body and soul. Originally built as an intentional community over 25 years ago, most of the builders are gone, but their spiritual energy remains. One of the original community members lives there still, a woman over 80 years old. She graciously opens her home for retreat attendees. Still Meadow is truly "a place for honoring, healing, and harmonizing." I know the 60 acres of woods and meadows with trails to the creek were soothing for me.

The time spent from Thursday night to Sunday morning was full of many things. Brenda provided experience, insight, and education about the open adoption experience. Stories were shared. Ritual was created. Tears were shed. There was much talk and laughter, as well. I think the experience was as multifaceted as the number of women attending. We are all in different phases in the journey, and we each have different relationships with the extended families we have created through adoption. But there is commonality, and we sought out those common aspects through the stories that were shared. Not all attendees were clients of Open Adoption and Family Services. Some of the women who placed over 10 years ago had not had contact with the agency until they received information about the festival. Appreciation was expressed for the reconnecting.

Brenda Romanchik has extensive relationships with individuals, professionals, and agencies involved in open adoptions from all over the U.S. She has compiled a great quantity of information on the topic of openness. Some of the points she made were related to the terminology we use. For instance, some people prefer to say "person who is adopted "rather than ?adoptee.? Another point made was that an adopted person is not a gift, rather, the adoptive parents are gifted to them as a new family. These points were made out of sensitivity to people who have expressed their feelings later in life, once they were able to verbalize their thoughts and feelings about their adoption experiences.

You may or may not be aware that Oregon is one of only four states that has open birth records. The other states are Kansas, Tennessee, and Alaska. Some historians believe that the second birth certificate, which has the adoptive parents' names listed as the only parents, is the only ?illegal? legal document in the United States. In Colorado, open adoption advocates have been working on creating a birth certificate for open adoptions that will include both birth parents' and adoptive parents' names on the certificate. What is the point of closing files with information that all parties share freely?

This year's Lifegiver's Festival was possible through grants, but the same funds will not be available next year. Brenda has said that she would love to come back to Oregon to do another Lifegiver's Festival next year. If you are interested in helping to put one together, you can contact your closest Open Adoption and Family Services office. We would love to hear from you.
 

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Clients' Stories

Let us know how your open adoption relationship is developing! In this burgeoning field, we learn so much from each other. Tell us abut your experience and we'll share it with our open adoption community.

The following is excerpted from a letter adoptive mother Janet Atlas sent to Executive Director Shari Levine.

Darcy's birthmother, Melissa, had a two-week vacation and wanted to spend a few days with us. In the past, we had always been to see her and she had never been to our house. We were really looking forward to this visit.

One afternoon during Melissa's visit I saw the Open Adoption & Family Services Yearbook lying in my office and decided to show it to her. I told Melissa how remarkable it was to me that many of the birthparents resembled the adoptive parents. She began looking through the book and then, suddenly, she said, ?I know that girl!? I came over to see what had so surprised her. I didn't know the birthmother, but Melissa had met her about two years ago when they worked together. She had been one of the few people Melissa had confided in about her open adoption experiences. Evidently, Melissa's story had so impressed the young woman that she decided to have an open adoption experience of her own.

The knowledge that she had helped someone by revealing her own story was a very affirming experience for Melissa. She said ?It made me feel very happy too.?

Just wanted to share this and wish you well.

Birthmother and Eugene Office Administrator Meg Schwirtz relates this recent experience when her birthdaughter came to visit Meg's 4 ½-month old daughter Angelica.

I just thought I would share a little about a recent visit with my daughter Kelly. Sunday afternoon Kelly and her mom Cathy came to my house for the first time. When Cathy and Kelly arrived, Kelly was carrying two bags. In the bags were all of Kelly's "favorite" toys from when she was a baby.

It was the most precious gift they could have given me. I now can watch Angelica play with all of those special toys that my oldest daughter enjoyed. Kelly and Angelica really have a bond, Angelica couldn't stop talking and laughing at her big sister. Kelly carried Angelica all over and changed her clothes 3 times. It was a wonderful afternoon!
 

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Announcements

Wish List

We recognize that you are a great resource to OA&FS. Assistance with the following services would be of great value to us:

• Pro bono production of a video about the "Children of Open Adoption."
   
• Corporation sponsorship or donations to support new or ongoing projects of the agency. Projects include research about the children of open adoption and an public education advertising campaign in Seattle.

If you or someone you know can assist with these projects, please call Shari or Diana at the Portland office.

Seattle Birthmother's Support Group

Seattle Counselor/Mediators Katie Ruprecht and Cindy Hart, along with a staff member from Medina Children's Services, facilitate a birthparent support group the third Wednesday of each month at 6 p.m. The group meets at Medina,123 16th Ave., in Seattle. All birthmothers are welcome. For more information, contact Cindy or Katie at (206) 782-0442, cindyh@openadopt.com or katie@openadopt.com.

Gay and Lesbian Adoptive Family Project

Researchers at the Florida State School of Social Work Gay and Lesbian Family Project are conducting a survey to learn more about lesbian and gay individuals and couples who have adopted children. The project is the first of its kind in the United States. For more information, please contact the research team at gladoptions@hotmail.com or 1-888-290-3155. Visit their Web site at http://ssw.fsu.edu/gladoptions.

Family Needed

Seattle Counselor/Mediator Katie Ruprecht has been working with a woman who hopes to place her 2 ½-year old son. He is a vibrant, healthy little boy with lots of energy. His mother has stage four breast cancer and is unsure of her prognosis, although at this time it appears terminal. She is hoping to find a two-parent, married couple with other children to adopt her child. She also prefers a stay-at-home parent, a well-educated family, people with a Christian background (specific religion is unimportant), and a family that is very active physically. Following placement, she hopes to visit on a weekly basis. If you are interested and would like to hear more about this situation, please contact Katie at 206-782-0272 or katie@openadopt.com.

This issue of the Open Page is sponsored in part by:
The Shin Kinnaman Group.