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Spring 2002 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 12, No. 2

Articles: 
How Many Grampas Do I Have??
Family Ties That Last A Lifetime
Entrustment Gifts

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Carly with her birth great grandparents, Grandpa Dick and Gramma Al

How Many Grampas Do I Have??
by Doyle Dillon

Driving south to visit her birthmother, the question just popped out, as if she had been pondering it for quite some time. At age six, Carly was beginning to understand that being the child of an open adoption means that learning about your family will sometimes produce some surprises. She had know her adoptive grandparents from the very first days home from the hospital—during their visits to our home in Portland, as well as the occasional trip to Cincinnati. As more time was spent with these people, the traditional concept of “parents of my parents” had become familiar. But since these less frequent trips to see her birthmother also meant visiting Gramma Kay, Grampa Gary and Grampa Darrol, Carly was now busy trying to sort out those in her extended birth family.

We are fortunate to have an adoption process that brought together the invaluable contributions of many people. Our OA&FS counselor was wise to encourage the participation of the extended birth families. After our first meeting, it was clear that the families of both birthparents would be responsible for guiding their respective children along the sometimes difficult path toward a successful adoption. Because of their involvement and consistent counsel, our birthparents were stronger in their commitment to see us adopt their child. So it seemed natural and fitting that her extended birth family welcomed her at birth and continues to have a presence in her life. Over the years, Carly has been introduced to great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and a half-sister of the same age who all see her as a member of the family.

Carly with her adoptive grandfather, Grandpa Don

We have always believed that one of the marvelous benefits of an open adoption is the creation of a larger circle of family, because in our case it has definitely “opened” the doors to many more caring relationships for all of us. The more people we have in our lives to love us, the better. Describing this philosophy to friends and family sometimes brings questioning looks and comments about whether Carly would be considered “ours or theirs.” Responding that the life of a child is to be shared with all who care, especially at the family level, and that they are not to be viewed as possessions, brought our own values into clear focus and helped us realize why adoption is such a great means of connection to those whom we would not otherwise know. Having Carly’s birthfamily in our lives is far from threatening. On the contrary, we appreciate their care and love for her, and how they respect the values and rules we have established.

Although this aspect of our adoption experience is only one of many that make adoption special, it seems more significant because it is one factor that varies widely with each case. We deal with the same issues as any parents in raising Carly and fortunately, the added dimension of connecting with her birth family has been positive. While it is true that the reality of extended family contact may be very different for many adoptions—especially those trying to maintain an open nature—it is important that those relationships be empowered to the point of enabling the best of all possible outcomes: the care and nurturing of “our” child. There are great opportunities among our extended families if we have the desire and courage to keep the doors open.

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Hailey, Adrie and Gabriel visting in Montana

Family Ties That Last A Lifetime
by Shari Levine, Executive Director

As our open adoption has grown over the years, I have been so touched by the relationships that have developed with our children's birth siblings. We have two adopted children: Gabriel (age 10) and Adrie (age 3). Gabriel's birthmom Faith has a four-year-old boy named Julian, who has the same sparkling blue eyes and sweet, sensitive soul as Gabriel. Jaque, Adrie's birthmom, has an 18-month-old daughter named Hailey. Adrie and Hailey share an exuberance for life and a confident, engaging personality that draws people to them. Knowing our children's birthmoms and birth siblings has given us a wealth of insights that have been invaluable in fully understanding and honoring our children.

It's also been a lot of fun to include these special people in our family. Faith and Julian live close by so we enjoy everything from going to the pumpkin patch to eating Thanksgiving dinner together. Faith and I also exchange toys, clothes and parenting stories. In fact, since Julian recently has been reluctant to sleep in his own bed, we gave him Gabriel's special tiger blanket. It's a "magical" blanket that brought Gabriel comfort and security at the same age. And in return, Faith, her partner and Julian are coming to Gabriel's basketball game to join us in cheering him on. Julian admires Gabriel tremendously.

Adrie, Julian and Gabriel celebrating at Christmas

Jaque and Hailey are farther away, but just as important to us. We helped them prepare for a cold Montana winter by gathering together Adrie's favorite, yet outgrown, "cozy" clothes and sending them to Hailey. Adrie recently took great pleasure in making a heavily decorated valentine for them. And we all love to chat on the phone. Jaque is a wonderful pen pal who sends the sweetest letters. In fact, after Hailey was born she sent a letter asking us to choose a middle name for Hailey! She was so touched that we kept the name she gave Adrie in the hospital as part of her middle name, she wanted to include us in the naming of her daughter. We chose "Isabel", Adrie's middle name so the two sisters would always be connected. Last summer, we took a trip to Montana to visit Jaque, her partner, Hailey and Adrie's birth grandparents. Adrie and Gabriel delighted in all the affection. As our extended family continues to grow, we gladly open our arms wider to welcome the newcomers. The values of open adoption: respect, inclusion, candor, and compassion need not end at the placement of a child. They are the foundation from which the child will embrace and discover the world. And sometimes they include the nicest surprises... Adrie, who loves to play with Julian, recently announced, "Julian is my very best friend!" These are heartfelt bonds that will last a lifetime.

 

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Birthmom RandiSue with baby Megan

Entrustment Gifts
by Suzie Arnold, Counselor/Mediator

Adoptive parents Laurel and David quickly packed into their car for a three-hour drive in the wee hours of the night when they learned birthmom Megan was in labor. Laurel packed a necklace of her mother’s that she hadn’t worn in years because the clasp was fragile. Her mother died when Laurel was eleven; it was important that she bring the necklace, because she needed to feel her mother was with her. David put on his silver turtle earring, because Megan had told them how much she loved turtles. Laurel and David made it to the hospital in time to support Megan throughout the labor and delivery. Kaya was born at 8:23 a.m. Kaya’s birthfather, Andy, arrived just minutes after she was born, heartbroken to have missed his daughter’s birth.Since Laurel and David had rushed so quickly to the hospital, they did not come prepared with gifts to present to Megan and Andy at the entrustment ceremony. It was during their time at the hospital that Laurel decided she wanted to give Megan her mother’s necklace. Laurel recalls, “I couldn’t imagine parting with it because it was my connection to my mother. But suddenly I understood that was exactly why the necklace was perfect. It was something I would have to trust Megan to care for as much as I would, because of its significance.” Laurel put the necklace around Megan’s neck, crying the whole time. They hugged each other tightly as Kaya lay in Megan’s arms, each saying “I love you. ”Then David spoke to Andy. David knew how difficult it had been for Andy to miss the birth of his daughter. David talked about how he had worn his silver turtle earring throughout the entire labor and delivery, just as Megan had worn her turtle necklace. He told Andy that the turtle had seen everything and held the experience of Kaya’s beautiful birth. As he said this, he slipped the earring out of his ear and gave it to Andy, who then put it directly into his ear.As adoptive parents prepare for the momentous day when their child will been trusted into their care, they are often challenged with the question of how they can possibly demonstrate their deep gratitude to the birth parents. An entrustment ceremony usually follows the placement of the child at the hospital. This is a time when the birth and adoptive parents come together and acknowledge what is in their hearts. It can be as simple as sharing their hopes for one another and the child, accompanied by words that describe the many ways they have been deeply touched by one another. For families embarking upon an open adoption, it can be a time to speak to the shared commitment for an enduring relationship based on deeply felt respect and love. Some entrustment ceremonies include reading a poem, lighting a candle, or some other ritual that honors this significant event. Each entrustment ceremony is as unique as the individuals involved in it. The adoptive parents often present the birthparents with a gift that symbolizes the feelings they hold for the birthparents. However, many adoptive parents struggle to find the “perfect gift.”One way to ensure that a gift holds special meaning is to offer it with words that describe its significance. It is important for the birthparent to understand why a particular gift was chosen and what the adoptive parents feel it symbolizes. Preserving these sentiments in a card that accompanies the gift will provide the birthparent with a concrete reminder of the adoptive parents’ thoughts and feelings. The hope is that when the birthparent looks at the gift over the years to come, she will always be reminded of the sentiments that were intended for her to hold dear. The art of gift giving also requires one to really listen to the other individual and understand his or her likes, habits and interests. The following are examples of touching placement gifts that were memorable to birthparents and OA&FS counselors.A special piece of jewelry can be a touching and meaningful gift. Lockets containing a picture of the child; a necklace or ring with the child’s birthstone; or a ring or bracelet engraved with the child’s birth name or date of birth. The possibilities with jewelry are limitless. It’s important, however, to find a piece of jewelry that fits the birthparent’s taste and lifestyle. Birthmother Andrea was very touched when she received an African mother/child figurine carved from soapstone. The adoptive parents explained that in the African culture it symbolized maternal love. The adoptive mom also explained that this figurine had belonged to her, and it became a source of strength and hope as she struggled with infertility and throughout her path leading to adoption. It was important to the adoptive parents to give Andrea a gift that symbolized and honored her profound love for her daughter. It was also a gesture of healing, as they hoped it would bring her strength and hope—as it had the adoptive mom.Parting ways after the placement is often the most difficult time for birthparents. Having pictures of their child in hand can bring great comfort. Presenting birthparents with a special photo album not only provides them with instant pictures, but the careful placement of these pictures in an attractive photo album acknowledges how precious these pictures are to the birthparents. It also gives them the comfort of knowing that they now have this special book that they can add to as the adoptive parents send more photos over the coming months. In addition to a beautiful necklace, adoptive parents Laura and Byron gave birthmom RandiSue a memory box that accompanied a photo album. They wanted her to have a special place to keep mementos from the hospital, as well as the special items to come.Adoptive parents Mike and Beth felt it was important to also acknowledge other members of the birth family closely involved with the adoption. They gave the birthmother’s pre-school age daughter a coloring set, as well as a set of stamped and addressed envelopes so she could send the baby her drawings. Though the gesture seems so simple, it did wonders in acknowledging this child’s role in the open adoption relationship. There are often birth family members integrally involved in the adoption process, and a gift can mean so much in acknowledging their importance.

Although adoptive parents may feel initially panicked as they wonder what gift could possible speak to their many emotions and deep gratitude, the “perfect gift” invariably seems to come to mind. This has a way of happening when people’s paths merge in such a profound way—and they forever hold such a special place in one another’s hearts.