Open Adoption and Family Services Quarterly Newsletter
Summer 2001 Open Adoption & Family Services, Inc. Vol. 11, No. 3
Articles:
Building an Open Adoption Community
OAFS Yearbook
Volunteer of the Season
Agency Events, Summer Picnics
Lifegivers Festival
Journey to Open Adoption
First Steps: Building and Open Adoption
Building an Open Adoption Community
Adoptive father David, Birthmother Megan, Adoptive mother
Laurel & and Kaya. Laurel, David & Megan were part of the
"Building and Maintaining Open Adoption Relationships" panel.
The first two phases of the "Building an Open Adoption Community" project have been successfully completed. An adoptive parent survey was distributed in March to families that adopted from 1985 to 2001. Forty-nine percent (297) of the 601 surveys were completed and returned. Of the total families, 15% have adopted more than once through OA&FS. Other highlights of the survey include:
- 70% of the families reside in Oregon, 22% in Washington and 8% in other states.
- 95% of the children were adopted at birth.
- Only 4.1% of the adoptive parents have divorced. This is particularly notable when compared to the findings of a recent Centers for Disease Control study that reported 43% of all first marriages end in divorce within 15 years.
- 21.4% of the adoptions were transracial.
- More than half (53%) of the families had three or more visits in the last two years.
- 64.4% (190) of adoptive families and birth families still live the same distance from one another as they did at the time of the adoption.
- 64% of respondents reported that their adoption fears decreased over time.
- 90% of respondents rated their overall adoption experience and their experience with OA&FS very positively.
- 79% of respondents do not feel jealous when the birth family spends time with their children.
- 94% of respondents feel comfortable telling their open adoption story.
Look for a complete report on the survey in the annual report, which will be published in September.
History was made on Saturday, June 23 when the first OA&FS Adoptive Parent Symposium was conducted. Total attendance was more than 100 adults, teenagers and children. The day began with a welcome from board member and adoptive parent Erik Bergman.
The rest of the afternoon consisted of three panels: "Building and Maintaining Open Adoption Relationships," "Helping Children Deal with Difficult Issues," and "Open Adoption Relationships with Extended Birth Family Members." The panels included adoptive parents, birthmothers and three teenagers who were adopted in open adoptions. The panelists are to be commended for their honesty and candor about their open adoption relationships. Especially compelling were the stories of the teenagers who continue to have relationships with their birthmothers (and birthparents in one case). Fourteen-year-old Stacey told the audience she knows how lucky she is because twice as many people love her. Sixteen-year-old Chris talked about being pleased with his relationship with his birthmother even though she struggled with drugs and alcohol for the first 10 years of his life. Chris is proud of her for her sobriety. Thirteen-year-old Kendall said her birthmother always made an effort to support her adoptive parents as Kendall's parents. As Kendall gets older, she has more of a friendship relationship with her birthmother. These teens and each and every one of the panelists were inspiring and affirming.
The next phase of the adoption community project is the Lifegivers Festival (see below for details) in September. We are also exploring other options and locations to share the wisdom of adoptive parents, birthparents and adoptees. We look forward to expanding our open adoption community!
OA&FS Yearbook
Deadline extended Please join us in creating the first OA&FS Yearbook! The deadline is extended to August 7, 2001. The yearbook will celebrate your child and all the children who were adopted through OA&FS since 1985. In addition to being a keepsake for your family, the yearbook be used to illustrate the many wonderful open adoption relationships to prospective adoptive parents and to women who are planning adoptions. To include your family in the yearbook, please submit: A photo of your child(ren). A photo of your open adoption family, including birth family members. A description of your child's interests, talents and hobbies. Consider including what makes your child and/or your open adoption unique and special. (Feel free to use up to 200 words for your description.) The yearbook will include a page for each family. If two (or more) of your children were adopted through OA&FS, you can either include everyone in one paragraph or write separate paragraphs for each of your children. Please send your photos and description to: OA&FS 5200 SW Macadam Avenue, Ste. 250 Portland, Oregon 97215 Descriptions can be emailed to information@openadopt.org, but photos must be sent via regular mail. Deadline for submissions: August 7, 2001.
Volunteer of the Season
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Marsha Lipets-Maser |
Our volunteer of the season is Marsha Lipets-Maser. Marsha was instrumental in the success of our recent survey to adoptive parents (see front page story). She assisted with the design of the survey and most importantly, analyzed the data. Marsha was just the woman for the job because she loves working with data. For her the survey is "·not work, it's play." In fact she has donated her skills for other projects, such as the Portland bike program. Without Marsha we would still be computing numbers and trying to make sense of the responses! We appreciate her contribution to building our adoption community.
Marsha and her husband, Joe Maser, moved to Portland from New Jersey in 1993. Before that Marsha lived in several Midwest and East Coast cities, including St. Louis, Missouri where she received her PhD in social research. Marsha is currently employed at Intel where she is a Market Research Manager. Marsha and Joe, who is an environmental sciences professor at Portland State University, have found their home in the Pacific Northwest.
Other members of Marsha's household include their dog Cappy and cats Ghostdancer and Hotspot. Marsha's interests include entertaining, traveling and keeping up with current events. One aspect of Marsha and Joe's lives that set them apart from many families is their living commitment to the environment ö they only have one car, and Joe's main mode of transportation is his bicycle. Marsha and Joe are waiting in our adoptive parent pool and hope to increase their household by one soon.
Agency Events, Summer Picnics
Last summer's picnics were a great success. We hope to see you at the Summer 2001 Picnics! Look for an invitation with directions soon. Magnuson Park Attention Adoptive Parents Because we have not always tracked change of address through the postal service, we do not have current addresses for many birthparents who used to received mail from us. Please help us to update these addresses. Even if you think we have the address for your child's birthparents, we would appreciate hearing from you. Please call any of our office numbers or email information@openadopt.org.
Lifegivers Festival
The Lifegivers Festival for birthmothers will be held from September 20-23, 2001 at the Still Meadow Community meeting facility in Estacada, Oregon (20 miles from downtown Portland, very close to I-205). The conference will begin at 6:30 p.m. on Thursday, September 20 and finish at 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, September 23. Sleeping accommodations and meals will be provided for participants. The retreat includes workshops and discussion groups, all focused on being a birthmother in an open adoption. Brenda Romanchik, the retreat facilitator, is the birthmother of a 16-year old son, placed at birth. Since her son's birth, she has become one of the leading national educators on birthparents and open adoption. She is truly an inspiration to everyone involved in adoption. Although Brenda has conducted Lifegivers Festivals in numerous locations nationwide, this is the first one in the Northwest. Due to generous donations from supporters of OA&FS, birthmothers who placed children through OA&FS will be invited to attend the retreat at no cost. (The fee for other birthmothers is $250.) Since space is limited, registration is on a first come, first serve basis. Birthmothers who are interested in attending the retreat, can call any of our offices for an application. Call soon because the deadline for applications is August 1, 2001.
Journey to Open Adoption
by Gillian Freney
Counselor/Mediator Gillian is the newest counselor/mediator in our Portland office. In this article, she is sharing her thoughts about how openness can benefit children, birthparents and adoptive parents regardless of the circumstances. My experience working with children and families began in 1995 with CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) of Colorado Springs. I managed a program dedicated to advocating for children whose families had court involvement due to abuse or neglect. CASA advocates gathered information, reported to the court, and made recommendations on behalf of the children. Judges appointed us on especially difficult cases, because they wanted as much information as they could get. These judges made tough decisions daily about whether children should be with their families, in foster care, or in adoptive homes.
During my time at CASA, the child welfare pendulum was swinging in the direction of expedited permanency planning. This was in response to children spending years in foster care while the cumbersome family court process unfolded. New permanency timelines were enacted, and adoptions through the county child welfare system increased over 400% in two years. While in many ways this system served the needs of children better, it also created a hasty and sometimes hostile environment for planning and implementing adoptions. The vast majority of these adoptions were closed.
The family court system might seem like an unlikely place to develop a passion for open adoption. However, years of working with children, families, and advocates only served to strengthen my initial instinct that openness was best for children. In my time at CASA I saw some of the damage that could be done by separating children from their birth families for reasons they were too young to fully understand. Children old enough to comprehend what was happening often suffered from guilt, anger, low self-esteem, and loneliness. Even when their parents were clearly not succeeding at parenting, they loved them and they missed them. I worried that the babies and toddlers in closed adoptions through the child welfare system might not get the benefits of having a positive image of their birth families.
Abuse and neglect cases do not lend themselves easily to open adoption. Though most everyone had the best interests of the children at heart, the emotional, financial, and professional resources required to make an open adoption arrangement work were in short supply. Often adoptive parents were scared, birth parents were angry, social workers were overburdened, and funding for ongoing services was limited.
The adversarial court system is not a great place to make decisions about children's lives. Winning or losing in court does not address the profound mix of loss and gain inherent in adoption. But even in those unlikely circumstances, I got a glimpse of what a humane alternative open adoption could be. Even in the charged, antagonistic atmosphere of the child welfare and family court system, it was sometimes possible to create an open adoption relationship. The key element to that possibility was mutual trust and respect between adoptive parents and birth parents. Building that trust and respect was sometimes a test of courage. It often required prospective adoptive parents to suspend judgment and step outside their realm of comfort to communicate with birth parents. There were fundamental culture clashes, most often rooted in the different perspectives of people from different levels of social privilege and opportunity. In cases where that trust and respect were able to grow, birthparents could rise to the occasion of making a plan for their children with grace and courage.
It has been very interesting to see the same principle hold true here at Open Adoption and Family Services. Even in this environment (infinitely friendlier than the family courts), the degree to which adoptive parents can open their hearts and minds to birth parents seems to correlate to the degree of comfort and joy present in the adoptive relationships. Even when it's especially challenging to find common ground, the act of doing so teaches and enriches everyone involved. Children can only benefit from a respectful and affectionate relationship between their adoptive families and their birth families. When adults face their losses and their fears, and come together willingly to make good decisions on behalf of children, everyone benefits. In open adoptions birth parents and adoptive parents grace their children's lives by modeling honesty and courage. It is very gratifying to work in this environment, where such integrity is fostered on behalf of children.
First Steps: Building an Open Adoption
by Sharon Lind
With the help of OA&FS, Sharon and Russ Lind have been blessed with two children through open adoptions. They live in a small community southeast of Seattle, WA, where Sharon pursues her careers as a stay-at-home mom, free-lance writer and avid reader of Dr. Seuss. In addition, they are actively involved in a local adoptive families support group, Friends in Adoption (www.friends-in-adoption.org).
I paced the room trying to contain my panic. My three-month-old daughter refused to be calmed. Her birthmother and birthgrandmother looked on in quiet reserve. What must they be thinking I wondered? Was her birthmother regretting her decision? Had they ever seen anyone so inept at mothering? "Oh, please, please, just stop crying," I whispered gently into my daughter's ear.
I had not planned our visit to go like this. My house was spotless--almost as clean as during our homestudy process. My daughter had taken a nap earlier in the day and should have been fully rested. I had carefully selected her brightly colored romper. Its blue starfish matched the brilliance of her eyes. Her birthfamily arrived late and her birthmother was not impressed with the romper. Kind of boyish looking, don't you think? Shouldn't she be in pink? She needs a bow in her hair. The comments, innocently intended, stung. Fed by the tension in the room, my tiny daughter continued to cry. After much discomfort on everyone's part, the birthgrandmother indicated it was time for them to leave. Gratefully, I showed them to the door. As it closed behind them, I realized my daughter's birthmother hadn't even held our beautiful little girl.
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Christine and Trevor Lind |
Surely the visit would go down as the worst in history. However, through later conversations with the birthfamily, I discovered nothing could have been farther from the truth. Disappointed as they were, they completely understood. In fact, the birthgrandmother was all too familiar with the pattern of a high-needs baby as her daughter (the birthmother) had been one also! For my daughter's birthmother, the visit solidified her decision to place. She was still emotionally immature and not ready to handle the demands of a fussy infant. Both had total faith in me as a mother--something which I had not given myself permission to be. I learned a lot about myself that day and about my daughter's birthfamily.
Respect Each Other
Not only had I tried to create the "perfect" visit, but I wanted desperately to establish my role as "Mother." Looking back, I realize that my place as mom was already understood by the birthfamily and one meeting could never define our roles or our relationship. Time, patience, and respect define the boundaries and roles in an open adoption. My children's birthfamilies are as respectful of my right to parent as I am of their desire to be a part of their children's lives. Try to step back and allow everyone to savor this unique moment in your history together. As your child grows, she/he will come to understand the important and special roles each of you play.
Bumpy Roads
The old adage, "Don't judge a book by its cover," applies here. A meeting that does not go well is not an indication all visits will be difficult or that "goodness of fit" is missing. Relationships take time to develop and the emotions surrounding placement take time to manage. Based on the visit with my daughter's birthfamily, I might never have seen them again! We would have missed rides on a local carousel, trick or treating at Halloween, and Santa photos together. Nor would I have experienced the look of pure joy on my daughter's face as, for the first time, she played Barbie's with her birthmother.
Be flexible if plans have to change. When we arrived at the apartment of my son's birthmother, she wasn't there. Feelings of irritation bubbled to the surface as I had hired a sitter for our older daughter. We had gone out of our way to make it as convenient for his birthmother as possible. We opted to go for coffee and try back later, all the while trying to decide what her no-show really meant. It didn't mean anything. When we returned, she was there and very apologetic. She had gone to a friend's the night before and simply missed the earlier bus home. Although things didn't go as planned, we ate a late lunch and enjoyed our time together anyway.
Open Your Heart
Just as I would advise those in the early stages of contact negotiation, never agree to anything with which you are not comfortable (either as the adoptive or birth family). If you are not ready to invite the birthfamily to your home, don't. On the other hand, if you cannot wait for the birthmother to see the beautifully decorated nursery, by all means, invite her over. Other than respecting each others boundaries and emotions, there are no "rules" for visitation. See your contact arrangements as a beginning, not as a finite entity. Like many parents involved in open adoption, I find it difficult to recall the exact terms of our written agreements. Even though a number is specified, in reality, my family welcomes as many visits as our collective schedules allow.
If you are not sure how the birthfamily feels about a scenario, ask them. Offer several options, meeting times, or places and let them decide which fit best. Both of the birthfamilies attended their child's Baptism. We talked in advance and invited them to be a part of the ceremony. We all stood proudly together as we acknowledged our blessings in front of family, friends, and congregation. Due to scheduling beyond my control, my son's baptism occurred the day before Mother's Day. At first I fretted about the timing and wanted to be sensitive to his birthmother's feelings. Contrary to my worries, his birthmother felt honored to share in this special time of recognition with me. After the ceremony, everyone gathered at our home for a buffet dinner. Even though it had been only six months, it felt as if his birthfamily had been a part of our family forever.
Plan and Reflect
No matter the outcome, reflect on the positive aspects of the visit. Did you discover something new about each other or a shared interest? Did you participate in an activity that can become an annual tradition? My daughter collects rocks. At the end of a visit, we passed a rock to her birthmother. At our next get-together, she gave the rock back to my daughter. Symbolizing the way we keep each other in our thoughts, the rock has become a part of our shared journey.
If possible, tentatively set the date for the next visit or point of contact. In our busy lives, it is easy to let contact slip by the way side. Open adoption takes planning. See your contact with the birthfamily as a way to learn more about your child and you will have little difficulty integrating openness into your lives. Our common bonds can be found in the emotional journeys we have shared.
One of my greatest joys comes from sharing special moments with my children's birthfamilies. When all is said and done, no other family on earth is as excited by the small milestones my children reach as are their birthfamilies. We are all richer from our excited by the small milestones my children reach as are their birthfamilies. We are all richer from our experience and while not always easy, open adoption does work and works successfully for those having the faith to embrace it.
The premier northwest adoption agency completing the most domestic, infant adoptions in Oregon and Washington.
5200 SW Macadam Avenue,
Suite 250
Portland, Oregon 97239
315 West 10th Ave.
Eugene, OR 97401
200 West Mercer Street,
Suite E-508
Seattle, WA 98119
| Oregon: | ||
|---|---|---|
| Portland, OR: | Phone: (503) 226-4870 | Fax: (503) 226-4891 |
| Eugene, OR: | Phone: (541) 343-4825 | Fax: (541) 431-1241 |
| Medford, OR: | Phone: (541) 608-6134 | Fax: (541) 282-8564 |
| Bend, OR: | Phone: (541) 388-2535 | |
| Salem, OR: | Phone: (503) 540-5832 | |
| Washington: | ||
| Seattle, WA: | Phone: (206) 782-0442 | Fax: (206) 782-0578 |
| Vancouver, WA: | Phone: (360) 254-7236 | |
| Olympia, WA: | Phone: (360) 352-3063 | |
