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Common Pitfalls to Avoid when Supporting Birthparents

Lecturing

• WHY IS THIS NOT HELPFUL?
  Telling a birthmother what she should have done differently or reminding her how serious her situation is unnecessary. She is already under enormous stress and making her defensive will not resolve the situation.
• NEGATIVE EXAMPLES
  “How could you have…” “Don’t you know…” “I can’t believe you…” “Don’t you realize…?”
• ALTERNATIVE APPROACHES
  Accept that neither you nor she can change the past. Acknowledge that she may be feeling self-blame and offer a space where she can be honest without inviting more blame.
• POSITIVE EXAMPLES
  “You must be going through a lot of ‘what-ifs’ right now.” “I can see why you’re so upset.”

Advising/Persuading

• WHY IS THIS NOT HELPFUL?
  Pushing a specific solution on a birthmother can make her feel inadequate, and encourages her to be dependent. It also sets her up for regret later if she accepts one solution without exploring others.
• NEGATIVE EXAMPLES
  “If I were you…” “It would be best if…” “I know from experience you should…”
• ALTERNATIVE APPROACHES
  Maintain a neutral position. Allow the birthparent to make her decision from a place of empowerment. This will ultimately give her the greatest chance for resolution.
• POSITIVE EXAMPLES
  “There is no easy solution to this.” “I wish I had the answers.” “I would be happy to listen to your ideas.”

Judging/Moralizing

• WHY IS THIS NOT HELPFUL?
  These responses bring in “duty” and the power of an external authority. They can make birthparents feel guilty which diminishes their ability to make decisions based on instincts, needs, and logic.
• NEGATIVE EXAMPLES
  “It is your responsibility to…” “_____ is the right thing to do.” “_____ would do this…”
• ALTERNATIVE APPROACHES
  The birthparent has her own set of beliefs about who she is accountable to. Remind her that she is the one who has to live with this decision and that her instincts are valid.
• POSITIVE EXAMPLES
  “I’m sure you’ll get a lot of advice about this, but your opinion is what matters most.”

Diagnosing

• WHY IS THIS NOT HELPFUL?
  Attributing a birthparent’s situation or decision to something that is “wrong” with them implies the listener’s superiority. This puts the birthparent in the passive role of “patient” rather than decision-maker.
• NEGATIVE EXAMPLES
  “What’s wrong with you is…” “You’ve always been like this…” “What you need is…”
• ALTERNATIVE APPROACHES
  Remind the birthparent of positive decisions they have made in the past rather than dwelling on weaknesses. If a known mental health diagnosis exists, suggest engaging a professional counselor to assist in the decision-making.
• POSITIVE EXAMPLES
  “This is a really hard decision. Do you think talking to (counselor) would help?”

Complimenting Strength/Bravery

• WHY IS THIS NOT HELPFUL?
  Complimentary support may make a birthparent feel good initially, but can be problematic if she changes her mind about a decision or handles a situation differently than she originally planned. She may assume that others are wrong about her, that she is actually weak, inconsistent, and cowardly.
• NEGATIVE EXAMPLES
  “You are so strong to be able to do this…” “I can’t believe how brave you are, I could never do this…”
• ALTERNATIVE APPROACHES
  Acknowledge that it is a very difficult decision. Compliment specific actions or attitudes rather than general qualities that may not always be easy to live up to.
• POSITIVE EXAMPLES
  “You do a good job of exploring all the options.” “You obviously care about your child’s future.”