Quick Links ----- Select One ------ Adoption Statistics Adoptive Family Groups Forum Adoptive Parent Profiles Birthfathers Birthmother Brochure Donate Faces of Open Adoption How to Adopt Mission Statement Open Page Newsletter Options Counseling Spanish Brochure

Guidelines for Supporting Birthparents

Establish the person’s WILLINGNESS to talk about her situation.

• WHY IS THIS HELPFUL?
  Forcing a conversation on someone rarely results in effective communication. Let them know you are willing to listen, and look for cues that they want to proceed.
• EXAMPLES:
  “I would really like to be here for you.” “Do you have people to support you through this?” “I’m available to talk anytime.”
• ROADBLOCKS:
  The birthparent avoids talking or doing anything about her situation.
• SUGGESTIONS:
  It’s fine to express concern, but keep statements brief and to the point. “I am really worried about you. It makes me sad you won’t talk to anyone about this.”

Find out what OPTIONS she is considering and why.

• WHY IS THIS HELPFUL?
  Asking questions is a good way to show you care about what she thinks and also to establish what stage of the decision-making process she is in.
• EXAMPLES:
  “You’ve probably thought a lot about this already.” “Is any solution standing out to you right now?”
• ROADBLOCKS:
  She is not considering all of her options.
• SUGGESTIONS:
  Feel free to ask if she has considered various options, but respect her decision if she has already ruled out a choice you think would be good for her.

Acknowledge that the DECISION IS HERS and you believe in her ability to make a good choice

• WHY IS THIS HELPFUL?
  If she senses you want to take over the decision or don’t respect her decision-making, it is unlikely she will include you in her process.
• EXAMPLES:
  “I know you have it in you to make the best decision.” “Only you know what is right for you.”
• ROADBLOCKS:
  I don’t believe in her ability to make the best decision.
• SUGGESTIONS:
  If you absolutely cannot be objective, tell her you are not the best person to support her in this decision. Help her find a more neutral listener.

Offer OBJECTIVE information and options. Suggest alternative points of view without judgment.

• WHY IS THIS HELPFUL?
  Staying neutral establishes your role as support person, not advisor. If she comes to the decision on her own, it is far less likely she will feel regret later.
• EXAMPLES:
  “I can’t tell you what to do, but I can help you talk through some different options.” “Have you thought about this…?”
• ROADBLOCKS:
  I feel strongly that one particular option is best for her.
• SUGGESTIONS:
  Be honest about your bias. Encourage her to seek information from other sources, including counselors, doctors, others who have planned adoptions.

ACCEPT the outcome of the situation and move on. Access support for yourself if necessary.

• WHY IS THIS HELPFUL?
  Regardless of what emotions the decision brings up for you, the person you’re supporting will need you to accept it and move on so she can move on
• EXAMPLES:
  “You made the best decision you could.” “It doesn’t seem like it now, but this will get easier in time.”
• ROADBLOCKS:
  I can’t move on when I see how much pain she is in.
• SUGGESTIONS:
  She must deal with her own reaction to the outcome. Be there to listen, but lean on a friend or counselor to process your feelings about the decision.