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Stories from Adoptive Parents

Open Adoption: Ed & Kurt's Story/Sibling Revelry

Love Makes a Family
By Ed Lazzara

We talked about raising a family for many years but were never quite satisfied with the options available to us. Overseas adoption would require us to hide our relationship from the authorities. State adoption seemed fraught with medical and psychological risks we were not prepared to take. Surrogacy was too complicated and too expensive. And co-parenting with a female couple would mean sharing our child’s upbringing with someone else. We wanted a child of our own, to whom we would be the only parents, but we also wanted an important female figure in the child’s life.

So when we learned about open adoption, it was the perfect solution. We were very impressed with the integrity and compassion of OA&FS, and especially with its commitment to openness through the entire process. As a gay couple, we were treated with the utmost respect and fairness. It was refreshing to find a place where we were considered a married couple like any other: a microcosm of the way we envision the ideal world.

We completed our home study in 2002 and entered the pool in May of that year. And then … we waited. After being so engaged in the home study process, it felt strange to be suddenly doing nothing, to have no control over when and if our adoption would happen. We were advised to stay busy, to go on with our lives as before, and so we did: international travel, choir and theater, pet projects, changing jobs, and in August of 2003.

Nearly three years later, we were feeling discouraged and low on hope, thinking a placement would never happen. Then in late March, our call came. We are probably the longest waiting couple to get a child through OA&FS so far.

It was worth the wait! Leo Forrest Lazzara-Ottens was born in Eugene on March 30, 2005, and came into our lives two days later on April 1. He is a beautiful, happy boy – everyone who’s met him agrees – who has brought great love and joy into our lives.

Unexpectedly, we ended up with one of the very rare OA&FS adoptions where the birthparents have requested a closed adoption. While this saddens us, we still honor the birthparents’ clear commitment to bring Leo into the world and place him in a stable and loving family. We also know that the door is always open to forming a relationship should the birthparents have a change of heart in the future.

But that’s not the end of the story! During the adoption process, OA&FS informed us that Leo has a full-blooded sister who was placed for adoption two years ago in a nearby city. Willa is a bright, energetic toddler being raised by her adoptive mother, Cherie. Very soon after bringing Leo home, we contacted Cherie, who was very happy to arrange a meet-ing with us.

We have gotten together numerous times in the past year: for birthdays, holidays, Leo’s baby shower, his bless-ing ceremony, and “just because.” Willa loves her little brother and showers him with hugs and kisses whenever she sees him. We get along great with Cherie, and are committed to raising our children so that they know each other and get to see each other regularly.

So, while we didn’t end up with the kind of open adoption we originally hoped for, instead we got a birth sibling and her mom, which we count as an extra special blessing for all five of us. As for our initial concerns about providing a significant adult female in our child’s life, we have been overwhelmed with support from the women and men in our community: family, friends and neighbors. This includes another special OA&FS family, Trish and Jan and their two daughters … but that’s another story.

Leo is 10 months old now, the light of our lives. A year ago today, we were just Kurt and Ed. Now we are our own little family of three, embraced by a wide circle of caring people. We are living proof that love, indeed, does make a family.

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Sibling Revelry
By Development Director Tara Wilkinson

When Ed Lazzara and Kurt Garcia-Ottens were waiting in OA&FS’ pool, the possibility of birth siblings was hardly the main thing on their minds.

But when the Salem couple found out, in April 2005, that the baby boy they had just adopted had a full birth sibling living with another adoptive family, they took it in warm, open-hearted stride.

Ed and Kurt felt that their son Leo’s life would be richer if he could grow up knowing his big sis-ter. So, as described in the article on page 2, they reached out – and were greatly rewarded with an exciting, new branch to their family tree. Their open adoption family now includes their son’s sister and her adoptive mom. They didn’t have to make their family even bigger, but they wagered that embracing Leo’s birth sister would add joy and depth to all of their lives.

Ed and Kurt are just one of many OA&FS couples facing big decisions about birth siblings. Their advice is to take a risk and to reach out when the opportunity presents itself.“

Don’t shy away from using the terms ‘brother’ and ‘sister,’” Ed said. “Initially, I was a bit reluc-tant to use these terms, since our children are growing up in different households. But once we started, it felt natural and right to do so, because it honors their genetic relationship.

”Adoptive parents Kari Buck and Tim Scherer of Portland have a slightly different perspective and situation. They adopted their daughter, Anna, in 2004. Anna’s birthmother is parenting three older children, ages 5, 11 and 16. Like Ed and Kurt, Kari and Tim decided their daughter should grow up knowing her birth siblings.

“I love seeing Anna play with her siblings,” Kari said. “The kids are always happy and so excited to see one an-other, which happens about four times a year. In between visits they talk on the phone, although Anna (who is almost 2) does more listening and smiling ear-to-ear than ‘conversing’ so far.”

Tim agreed, adding that he feels it’s important to let the relationships develop naturally.

“I would advise other adoptive families in similar situ-ations to let the children relate to each other on their own terms,” Tim said, “rather than trying to shape the relationship according to their expectations. All the adults in our case agree.”

Gayle and Phil Eschtruth Harrison of Ashland, Oregon, adopted their first daughter, Rose, in 2000. Rose knows five of her birth sisters, and Gayle delights in watching the relationships unfold.

“I personally love to compare Rose to her sisters,” she said. “Rose has the same hair color as Mandy, the same facial expressions as Hollie, the tomboyishness of Amy, the sweet quiet disposition of Bunny, and the farsightedness of Emily. I just love ‘the girls’ as we call them. How could I not? They are Rose’s family.”

Rose is so proud of her sisters, Gayle said, that she in-cluded pictures of them on her “Star of the Week” poster at kindergarten. Gayle and Phil take it upon themselves, while Rose is so young, to keep the relationships with the sisters going. Gayle sees it as a gift that will become more and more valuable to Rose as the years go by.

It’s important also to Megan Evans, an adoptive mom in Auburn, Washington, that her daughter, Zoë, know her older brother, Skyyler, who lives with their birthmother. Megan acknowledges that the idea of extended birth family can be overwhelming at first, but encourages families to keep an open mind, for the sake of the child.

“Skyyler was 13 months old when Zoë was born,” she said. “Neither of them know any different. They are siblings. My advice is to please take the ‘open’ in open adoption to heart. Talk through issues that may be bothering you about sibling relationships. Don’t let fear hold you back. Look for support from other people who have been through it.”

As it turns out, Megan said, the most difficult thing about the relationship is the distance. Skyyler lives in Central Oregon, so the siblings don’t see each other as often as the two families would like. Phone calls bridge the gap.

“We try to get the kids to talk to each other at the end of our phone calls,” she said. “Skyyler usually says, ‘I love you Zoë,’ and Zoë will say back to him, ‘I love you, Skyyler.’ We talk about Skyyler being her brother. I don’t know if she really gets it right now, but we have been very open from the beginning, and I hope it will just be what it is when she finally understands.”