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Stories from Adoptive Parents

Open Adoption: Building a Relationship

Adoptive parent Joni Radcliffe wrote the following article just after Joni and her husband were chosen by their daughter's birthparents. Their daughter Laurin was born December, 1995. Their son Danny was adopted three years previously through another agency. It was originally published in the November, 1995 issue of Portland Parent. It is reprinted here with permission of the author.

Waiting for an adoption is like jumping out of an airplane. There is some exhilaration that goes with plunging into the unknown. Fantasies soar. But fears intrude as the wait gets longer. So, as I wish for another child to come to us through open adoption, I pray my parachute opens.

That's how it feels now, and that's how it felt three years ago when we welcomed our little boy. His birthmother chose us from an agency's pool of waiting families. Actually, she had a dream about our cat, no doubt cued by a family photograph an adoption counselor had shown her.

As she learned more about us, we learned more about her - her situation, health, and prenatal care. We found we had much in common. But unlike her, we could offer a more stable beginning for a baby. She was already a mother to three young children who were dependent on welfare. We were the family she chose to be parents to her child.

Our only meeting with her and our son's father occurred 12 hours after our baby was born. I remember her telling us how she explained adoption to her eldest, a five year old: "Some people can't have babies, and some people have more than they can care for. So we've decided to let this family be parents to the baby I'm carrying. This baby will have all the attention and pampering of a first child, and all the love we wish for him to have."

I don't know about what happened later to this mother and her children. For her own reasons she chose not to receive postpartum counseling. Since then I've corresponded with her through the agency, sending news and photos, assuring her that our son is well-loved. She has not replied. I have no address but I have shared ours if she ever wishes to make contact directly. Some day I hope she does. Our door is open.

Open adoption is about building bridges, not burning them. It unites two families that share a common goal: providing a loving home for a child they care for. It respects and acknowledges the child's birth story and heritage. It promotes honesty and communication. It offers healing, and under ideal circumstances, a sense of identity and self that isn't encumbered by secrecy and shame.

Just days ago we received a call from our agency's counselor in Eugene. A pregnant birth mother and father have selected us. Part of me wants to skywrite the news. But it's best to keep my joy in check. The young woman is 16, the father's 17. The baby is due at the end of the year. In a few days we will meet them for the first time.

The couple has been receiving counseling from Open Adoption & Family Services since June. The agency initially offers "options counseling", which enables a woman to see that she does have choices - to parent, terminate the pregnancy, consider foster care or make an adoption plan. Our agency believes parenting should be a choice, not an action by default. In our case, the birth mother knew from the beginning that she wanted an open adoption. (Only 3% of women facing an untimely pregnancy choose to make an adoption plan.) We are grateful that the birth father has been involved in this process, too; most often birth fathers are not.

After our first get-acquainted meeting we decide if we want to continue with the plan. Then we begin the mediation process by forming an open-adoption agreement that reflects our intentions to maintain openness. The agreement spells out the minimum number of visits and letters per year and details how the parties will stay in touch through the agency.

Through mediation and meetings of our own, we begin a relationship with people who will play a key role in our child's life. We have an opportunity to learn about them, to hear of their interests, goals and dreams for their child. We may be invited along on doctor's visits. We may have the privilege of being in the delivery room when the baby is born. We may be able to hold an entrustment ceremony with the birth parents as we welcome this child into our hearts. These are some of the options we consider together.

Too often the public hears of adversarial relationships among adoptive and birth parents. In fact, baby Jessicas and Baby Richards tend to be the exceptions; only 2% of all adoption cases are litigated. There are hundreds of families in Oregon who regard open adoption as a healthy and positive way of building a relationship and raising a child.

During the last 16 months of waiting for another child, the hardest part has been dealing with my frustrations and anxieties. Now those feelings have changed into the delirious anticipation of a most miraculous Christmas gift. I feel my parachute beginning to unfurl.